Reprogramming Limiting Beliefs: Unlocking Love and Relationships

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By: Jamila Gomez

Love and relationships are an integral part of our lives, shaping our happiness and emotional well-being. However, sometimes we find ourselves trapped in negative beliefs that hinder our ability to experience fulfilling and healthy connections. By identifying and reprogramming these limiting beliefs, we can open ourselves up to the possibility of creating more love and joy in our lives. Here are some tips to help you in your journey of shifting your mindset.

Recognize your limiting beliefs:

The first step in reprogramming any belief is to become aware of it. Pay attention to any negative thoughts or patterns that arise when you think about love and relationships. Are there underlying beliefs like "love is hard," "all men/women are untrustworthy," or "I'm not deserving of love"? Acknowledging them is vital for reshaping your mindset.

Challenge your beliefs

Once you've identified your limiting beliefs, question their validity. Ask yourself if there is any evidence that supports or contradicts these beliefs. Often, our negative beliefs are based on past experiences, but it's important to recognize that they may not always be accurate or applicable to every situation.

Reframe your perspective

Replace negative beliefs with positive affirmations. For example, if you believe that "love always ends in heartbreak," reframe it as "every experience teaches me and allows me to grow." Affirmations help rewire our brains and create a more positive mindset, allowing us to approach love and relationships with optimism.

Practice self-compassion

Be gentle with yourself as you work on reprogramming your beliefs. Understand that transforming ingrained patterns takes time and effort. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion throughout the process, as self-love is a crucial aspect of building healthier relationships.

Surround yourself with support

Seek out the company of people who encourage and uplift you. Surrounding yourself with positive influences can counteract the effects of negative beliefs and reinforce your commitment to reprogramming your mindset. Friends, family, or support groups who share similar goals can provide invaluable support and motivation.

Challenge your comfort zone

Stepping out of your comfort zone is an essential part of reprogramming limiting beliefs. Push yourself to engage in new experiences, meet diverse people, and create opportunities to challenge your negative assumptions. By doing so, you'll discover that the world is filled with possibilities for love and happiness.

Seek professional help if needed

If you find it challenging to overcome deeply ingrained beliefs, therapy can be an effective tool. A qualified therapist can guide you through the process of identifying and reprogramming limiting beliefs, providing valuable insights and techniques tailored to your specific situation.

Focus on personal growth

Emphasize personal growth and self-improvement as a foundation for healthy relationships. This mindset shift allows you to approach relationships from a place of strength and self-assuredness, letting go of the notion that your happiness solely depends on someone else.

Reprogramming limiting beliefs about love and relationships requires patience, commitment, and self-reflection. By engaging in these practices and embracing a positive mindset, you can break free from negative patterns and create a more fulfilling and loving life. Remember, love is abundant, and you are deserving of it.

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5 Reasons Black Women Struggle To Find Genuine Love

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By: Jamila Gomez

In the intricate dance of love and relationships, Black women confront a unique set of challenges that weave through societal stereotypes, cultural expectations, and historical narratives, creating a tapestry of complexities that shape their pursuit of genuine love.

Persistent Stereotypes and Media Representation:

In the realm of love, Black women often find themselves facing persistent stereotypes that inadvertently create barriers to genuine connections. The portrayal of Black women as strong, independent, and self-reliant discourages vulnerability, implying an expectation to face struggles alone. Consequently, expressing emotional needs and fears becomes a daunting task, as it might be perceived as a sign of weakness or neediness.

Racial Bias and Prejudice:

Dating dynamics are influenced by racial bias, with studies suggesting that Black women experience discrimination both offline and online. Dating apps, in particular, report racial biases in profile preferences, resulting in a diminished likelihood of Black women receiving positive responses. These biases not only perpetuate harmful stereotypes but also undermine the chances of Black women finding authentic connections.

Cultural Expectations and Family Pressures:

Cultural expectations and family pressures play a significant role in shaping Black women's pursuit of genuine love. Balancing the honor of family traditions with the pursuit of personal happiness can create internal conflicts, complicating the journey toward enduring love.

Intersectionality and Double Discrimination:

The struggles faced by Black women are compounded by intersectionality, navigating both race and gender-based discrimination. This double discrimination affects confidence, self-esteem, and overall dating experiences, highlighting the need for society to understand and address the complexities of identity while fostering an inclusive platform for finding love.

Historical Narratives and Emotional Baggage:

Centuries of enslavement, systemic racism, and societal marginalization have left an enduring impact on the Black community. Historical narratives of relationships and lovelessness can impact Black women's emotional well-being, creating obstacles when trying to find genuine love. Addressing this emotional baggage requires acknowledgment, empathy, and healing; it is a necessary step toward fostering lasting love.

In recognizing and dismantling these barriers, society can pave the way for a more inclusive and equitable dating landscape. It is not merely about understanding; it's about actively challenging biased notions, fostering empathy, and providing platforms that celebrate diverse love stories. The road to discovering authentic love for Black women involves grappling with stereotypes, racism, cultural expectations, and emotional baggage. By acknowledging these challenges, society can debunk prejudices and ensure all individuals have the opportunities and support they deserve in their quest for genuine love.

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Self-Sabotage: Getting in Our Own Way in Love

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By: Jamila Gomez

Relationships are complex and often demand effort, compromise, and vulnerability from both individuals involved. However, some individuals may repeatedly engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Self-sabotage in relationships can take various forms, such as pushing away a partner, avoiding commitment, or engaging in destructive behaviors. To understand why people self-sabotage in relationships, it's essential to explore several underlying factors and patterns.

Fear of Intimacy:

For some, past negative experiences, trauma, or a fear of vulnerability can trigger self-sabotaging behaviors. Consequently, individuals may emotionally withdraw, be overly critical, or create conflicts to protect themselves from potential emotional pain.

Low Self-Worth:

A lack of self-worth can lead to self-sabotage in relationships. Those with low self-esteem may engage in behaviors undermining their relationships, such as seeking validation outside the relationship or questioning their partner's intentions.

Fear of Rejection:

The fear of rejection can be a powerful force. Individuals who've experienced past rejections may engage in behaviors pushing their partner away before facing potential rejection.

Commitment Issues:

Some struggle with commitment due to deep-seated fears and insecurities. Commitment phobia may manifest as self-sabotage when facing the possibility of a long-term relationship.

Unrealistic Expectations:

Unrealistic expectations can strain relationships. Holding high standards for oneself or their partner can lead to self-sabotage, resulting in constant disappointment.

To overcome self-sabotage, individuals should seek self-awareness and understand the root causes triggering their disruptive behaviors. Consider therapy or counseling to address emotional wounds, insecurities, or fears. Building healthy self-esteem is crucial, enabling individuals to participate in loving relationships without self-sabotage.

Communication is key. Open and honest conversations with a partner can help express fears and concerns, fostering a supportive environment. Embracing vulnerability and learning to trust oneself and the partner can help overcome self-sabotaging patterns, cultivating healthier connections

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The Evolution of Dating and Relationships in the Social Media Era

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By: Jamila Gomez

In just a few short years, social media has drastically changed the landscape of dating and relationships. It has not only revolutionized how people meet, connect, and communicate but has also influenced the way individuals perceive themselves and others. While there are undeniable advantages to the rise of social media in the dating world, there are also significant downsides, creating a complex and multifaceted impact.

 One of the most apparent changes brought about by social media is the way people meet and form relationships. Online dating platforms, such as Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid, have become increasingly popular, with millions of users worldwide. They offer a convenient and efficient way for individuals to search for potential partners based on shared interests, compatibility, and location.

 Moreover, social media has opened up new avenues for communication and connection. Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter provide endless opportunities to interact with others, breaking traditional barriers of time and space. Messages can be sent in an instant, photos can be shared with a click, and status updates allow individuals to keep up with each other's lives, even when physically distant.

 However, this constant connectivity has also had negative ramifications in the dating world. One of the notable downsides of social media is the pressure it places on individuals to curate and present an idealized version of themselves. People carefully select which photos to upload, meticulously edit their posts, and often strive to portray an image of a perfect life. This phenomenon, commonly referred to as "highlight reel syndrome," can lead to feelings of inadequacy, as individuals compare their own lives to the seemingly perfect lives of others.

Furthermore, social media can breed feelings of jealousy and insecurity within relationships. With constant access to each other's online profiles, it becomes easy to monitor and scrutinize every interaction, like, or comment, leading to trust issues and increased suspicion. The presence of ex-partners or potential love interests on social media can also be a source of conflict, as individuals may feel threatened or uneasy about their partner's online behavior.

Another significant concern is the potential for cyberbullying and online harassment affecting relationships. Hurtful comments, rumors, or private information can easily go viral, leading to emotional distress, embarrassment, or even the breakdown of a relationship. Additionally, the constant presence of social media can lead to obsessive behavior, with individuals constantly checking their partner's online activity, making it difficult to maintain healthy boundaries and privacy.

Despite these challenges, social media has also facilitated positive changes in relationships. It provides a means for couples to stay connected even when physically apart, sharing experiences and fostering intimacy. It also allows individuals to express love and affection publicly, celebrating milestones or showcasing their commitment. For long-distance relationships, social media offers a platform where partners can communicate daily, bridging the physical gap.

Ultimately, the impact of social media on dating and relationships is a mixed bag. While it has broadened the playing field, making it easier for individuals to meet potential partners, it has also brought about challenges that can strain relationships. It is crucial for individuals to navigate the world of social media mindfully, finding a balance between the benefits and risks. Establishing clear boundaries, open communication, and setting realistic expectations can help harness the positive aspects of social media while mitigating its negative impact.

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Why People Ghost Others: An Unsettling Trend in Modern Relationships

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By: Jamila Gomez

A concerning trend has emerged in modern relationships: ghosting. Picture this – you're invested in a connection, be it romantic, friendly, or familial, and suddenly, all communication ceases without warning. Ghosting has become increasingly prevalent in our tech-driven age, where disappearing from someone's life is as easy as tapping a button. But why do people choose to ghost others?

Fear of Confrontation and Conflict Resolution:

One primary reason for ghosting is the fear of confronting difficult conversations. Addressing feelings or concerns can be uncomfortable, leading some to opt for the easy way out – cutting off communication entirely.

Desire to Avoid Accountability and Closure:

Another contributing factor is the desire to shirk accountability. By ghosting without explanation, individuals absolve themselves of responsibility, leaving the other person confused and with unanswered questions.

Emotional Immaturity and Insecurity:

Ghosting can also be a result of emotional immaturity and insecurity. Some struggle to express their needs or confront their emotions, using ghosting as a shield against vulnerability and potential rejection.

Lack of Empathy and Emotional Disconnect:

In our screen-dominated society, emotional disconnect is common. Ghosting exemplifies this, as individuals fail to recognize the impact of their actions on others, possibly due to a lack of attachment or concern for the feelings of the person being ghosted.

The Overabundance of Options and FOMO:

Social media and dating apps present endless choices, fostering a fear of missing out. The constant search for the 'perfect' match can lead to a higher likelihood of ghosting, leaving the person on the receiving end as collateral damage.

While ghosting may seem like a convenient solution, it's emotionally damaging, eroding trust and stifling the development of healthy relationships. To combat this trend, promoting open communication, empathy, and understanding is crucial both online and offline. Let's foster relationships built on trust and respect.

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4 Reasons You Don't Need Closure

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By: Jamila Gomez

Seeking closure has become a popular notion in our society, where individuals are taught to believe that finding a resolution after a breakup, the end of a friendship, or a significant loss is necessary for healing and moving forward. While it is indeed natural to desire answers or understanding, the idea of seeking closure, as often portrayed, can be misleading and counterproductive. Here are some reasons why seeking closure may ultimately be pointless and how letting go can be a more empowering and liberating approach to healing.

1. Closure is a subjective and elusive concept:

The concept of closure implies neatly tying up loose ends, getting answers, and achieving a sense of finality. However, in reality, closure is highly subjective and can vary significantly from person to person. What may bring closure to one person might not work for another. Expecting someone else to provide closure or waiting for external factors to bring a sense of resolution can lead to frustration and a prolonged healing process.

2. Closure does not always guarantee healing:

The misconception that closure is essential for healing often sets unrealistic expectations. The truth is, that closure is not a magical switch that automatically heals emotional wounds. Healing is a personal journey that involves introspection, self-reflection, and time for emotional acceptance. Seeking closure can divert attention away from self-growth and healing by fixating on the past, hindering progress toward the future.

3. Closure may not lead to answers:

We seek closure in the hopes of finding answers to our burning questions, but this is not always promised. Sometimes, the other party involved may not be willing or able to provide satisfactory answers. In such cases, relentlessly seeking closure can become a never-ending cycle of frustration and disappointment. Instead of seeking answers externally, it may be more productive to search within oneself and find resolution through personal introspection and self-discovery.

4. Letting go offers freedom and empowerment:

Rather than relentlessly seeking closure, individuals can benefit from embracing the art of letting go. Letting go is an active process that involves accepting the situation, acknowledging one's emotions, and allowing oneself to move forward. By focusing on self-healing and personal growth, individuals can experience liberation and empowerment. Letting go allows us to reclaim our power, create new beginnings, and forge a clearer path ahead.

While the desire for closure is a natural human instinct, fixating on obtaining it can impede personal growth and healing. Seeking closure can be an endless pursuit, often leading to more questions than answers. Understanding the futility of this pursuit, individuals can begin to embrace the power of letting go. By accepting the past, acknowledging emotions, and actively moving towards self-healing, individuals can forge a new path with strength, resilience, and a renewed sense of freedom. So rather than pursuing the elusive concept of closure, let us embrace the art of letting go and open ourselves to a world of endless possibilities.

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Trusting What God Blocks In Relationships

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By: Jamila Gomez

In the realm of relationships, it is not uncommon for individuals to find themselves puzzled as to why certain connections are blocked or prevented from flourishing. While it is easy to attribute these hindrances to external factors, some people believe that a higher power, often referred to as God, plays a role in such circumstances. Whether it is a failed romantic relationship, a missed opportunity, or a friendship that never takes off, many reasons can elucidate why God may block certain relationships from happening.

1. Divine Timing:

   One reason God may block relationships is due to the notion of divine timing. Perhaps it is not the right moment for two individuals to come together, as God may have a greater plan in store for each of them that requires growth, development, or experiences outside that particular relationship. These divine timings can be influenced by various factors, such as personal growth, the pursuit of individual goals, or even the presence of other individuals who might impact the course of one's life.

2. Mismatched Values and Purpose:

   Relationships thrive when individuals align in their values, beliefs, and visions for the future. However, if there is a significant mismatch in these aspects, God may prevent a relationship from unfolding to avoid potential disharmony, disappointment, or pain in the long run. It is said that God has a deep understanding of each person's purpose and the kind of people they need in their lives to fulfill it. Blocking relationships ensures that individuals embark on paths that align with their authentic selves.

3. Protecting Against Harm:

   God may also block relationships as a way of shielding individuals from harm or toxic dynamics. Sometimes, people may not readily recognize certain red flags or hidden aspects of a person's character. In such cases, God, in his infinite wisdom and love, may intervene to protect them from potential heartbreak, manipulation, or even danger. The blocked relationship serves as a form of divine protection and shields individuals from harmful influences that might hinder their personal growth and well-being.

4. Learning and Personal Growth:

   Relationships provide fertile ground for personal growth and self-discovery. However, not all connections contribute positively to one's development. Certain relationships might hinder personal progress, create unhealthy dependencies, or stall the pursuit of individual goals. In these scenarios, God may block such relationships to ensure individuals have the opportunity to grow independently, learn valuable lessons, and become the best version of themselves before engaging in a new connection.

5. Realigning Paths:

   God's intervention in relationships can sometimes be a way of realigning individuals with their true purpose and the people who will help them fulfill it. By blocking one connection, God may be redirecting individuals towards another person who will have a more significant impact on their lives, steer them towards a different path, or present them with new opportunities for personal and spiritual growth. This redirection can be seen as a divine intervention, guiding individuals towards their ultimate destiny.

While it may be challenging to accept or understand why certain relationships are blocked, it is essential to trust that everything happens for a reason. Even when it may seem frustrating or disheartening, acknowledging that a higher power might be involved allows individuals to seek solace in the belief that there is a greater plan at work. Through faith and acceptance, one can find peace and move forward on their life's journey, confident that the right relationships will ultimately unfold when the time is right.

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5 Ways To Identify A Narcissist

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By: Jamila Gomez

A narcissist is essentially someone who is excessively self-centered and obsessed with themselves. They constantly seek attention and validation from others and have little to no regard for anyone else’s feelings or needs. Narcissistic individuals can be highly controlling and manipulative, often using emotional manipulation to get what they want. They may also gaslight people, making them question their reality and memory. If you suspect you are in any kind of relationship with a narcissistic person, pay attention to the signs. Also, if you suspect that you are in any kind of relationship with a narcissist, it is essential to seek professional help so that you can learn how to best deal with this challenging individual.

Here are five red flags to look out for:

1. Excessive need for admiration and attention:

   Narcissists have an excessive need for attention and admiration, manifesting as a desire to be the center of attention, a belief in their superiority, or a constant craving for affirmation and approval. While it is perfectly normal to want some level of attention and admiration from those important to us, narcissists take this to an extreme, often needing constant reassurance and validation.

2. Lack of empathy and disregard for other people’s feelings:

   Narcissists have a bloated ego, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. But what does that look like in a relationship? A narcissistic individual is often dismissive and critical, making the other person feel invisible. They can also become very angry quickly and lack the ability to see other people’s perspectives. As a result, the other person often feels emotionally drained and unsupported.

3. Taking advantage of people and using them to get what they want:

   Narcissists are often very charming at first, but eventually, their true colors show. They are manipulative and controlling, taking advantage of people to get what they want. If you are in any kind of relationship with a narcissist, be aware of their behavior to protect yourself from being used.

4. Grandiose sense of self-importance:

   Narcissists often have a flamboyant sense of prestige, magnifying their accomplishments and talents and expecting recognition as superior. They may become angry or disappointed when they feel they are not receiving the recognition they deserve. Some narcissists are control freaks, expecting their partner to comply with their standards and meet their needs without regard for the other person’s wants or needs.

5. Patterns of intense and unstable relationships, quickly switching from honor to reduction:

   Narcissists often see their partners as perfect and unconditionally loving. However, eventually, they begin fault-finding, picking at every little thing they may take issue with. They may also withdraw their affection and become emotionally distant.

If you’re always around someone who exhibits these traits, you should either learn how to combat it or move on. Narcissists often take advantage of their partners by being manipulative and controlling. Pay attention to these red flags to help you make an informed decision about the future of your relationship.

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There's Something Special About Black Love and It Should Be Celebrated

By: Jordan King

While February is proudly Black History Month, we also observe a special day for the celebration of love in all forms and fashions. When it comes to speaking about love within the Black community at large, this topic is so vast and at times controversial. Everyone (rightfully so) has different and conflicting perspectives. However, all of our people deserve and are entitled to love; especially when we have done that inner work to heal and be the best version of a mate for your significant other! 

To be able to love freely and unapologetically is a divine right. Love should not be complicated, however, naturally things happen. Now, for some reason when it comes to Black love; it’s not just complicated but complex. The presence of Blacks in America spans over 400 years yet somehow we have managed to maintain our kind. Traditionally, media has struggled with how to properly represent affection, care, and love when it comes to colored people. Often times our love is seen as too dramatic, toxic or situation based. Now of course that’s not to say that America misrepresents other cultures too.  

Admittedly; while my parents are divorced, I have been grateful to witness other examples of healthy relationships and marriages. Also it’s very important to acknowledge the valleys in various stages of relationships, as not every day will be easy or disagreements will arise. On the other side, people can eventually grow apart and lead cordial lives. Nonetheless, the goal of our generation should be to not only redefine the definition of love in modern times; yet also maintain the essence of what love has always been!

The illusion of options will unfortunately make it hard for us to be able to properly find their person. In the past, people were relegated to shorter radiuses to find their lifelong partners. However, this also can be a positive! For instance, two people that were meant for each other but maybe distance would’ve prevented them from ever meeting; could manifest a connection through the tools of technology.

While I do believe in the concept of “love is love”, as well as the idea that anybody can find their person within anyone else; there’s just something so unique about the love affair between two Black people, as well as the care and intimacy that they are able to show due to the combined history and lineage. Honestly, it is through the strife that Black people have experienced throughout our collective history, that we have been able to transmute that pain into an overall deep love and care. A force so mighty that when applied properly can be miraculous, as well as even generation binding.

Some, and hopefully more of you will get the chance to experience family reunions with true elders. Those that have the matriarchs & patriarchs that can truly pass on a long history, as well as being able to experience these people up close. One day, those elders (hopefully) will be us!

To be Black, is an honor; A birthright. The ability to find and maintain love while Black, can be challenging; however, ultimately so rewarding. There’s a very unique importance and aspect of love that can always be revealed and nurtured between two people from similar cultures.

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Recovering From a Breakup: 5 Ways to Heal Through a Broken Heart

By: Kathleen Santos

They ended the relationship. Just like that, it’s over. No solid explanation given. Not reasonable enough for you, anyway. All you know is that they chose not to stay.  

While mutual breakups tend to be more predictable, some of the most damaging types of romantic heartbreaks are the ones that you don’t anticipate. It’s not as easy to get in front of infidelity, ghosting, or rejection when you don’t see any of it coming. 

Whether we like it or not, romantic heartbreak is an inevitable experience for us all. Not everyone will care to admit it, but the tailspin that usually follows can be pretty brutal. Naturally, we are emotional beings, which makes our unique human experience so beautiful and sometimes equally devastating. 

Dealing with the ocean of emotions where anger or resentment, sadness or loneliness, anxiety or helplessness are all happening at once can be overwhelming, and at times, all-consuming. And so, what else is there to do, but sink into all of that dense energy? Deeply confused about how you got here, unsure about how long all this will last and praying you’ll be able to pull yourself through it sooner rather than later.  

Here Are 5 Ways to Heal Through Heartbreak

1. Feel All The Feels

This first step may be more difficult for some than others, but learning how to effectively apply it is critical. When you’re sad, be sad. If you’re angry, sit in it. Do your best to feel your way through your intense frustrations or any anguish. These emotions are ‘energy in motion’ and this dense energy is what is causing your body to hold onto all of this tension. 

Allowing yourself to feel these emotions is how you move this energy through your body to be released, so that your healing can begin.  Heartbreak will absolutely manifest itself physically by way of losing sleep or weight loss or gain, in the form of headaches or body aches, and even a literal aching heart. 

So, go ahead and cry, sleep when you feel like it, cry again, remember to drink some water and have a bite to eat, and cry some more. It may be at a gradual pace, but the release is working. Just don’t suppress these emotions otherwise you risk it bubbling right up again later. Go easy on yourself and just let it all come up and let go.

2. Let Your Loved Ones In

Some may say that the beginning stages of ‘feeling all the feels’ is best done in isolation, but at some point, everyone needs a shoulder to lean on. Show yourself some self-compassion by reaching out to someone you trust for support. If they call, pick up the phone. If they show up at your door, let them in. Graciously accept their offer to drop off some food or sit quietly with you to binge some TV for a few hours. However they show up for you, be grateful for their support in your healing. 

3. Take Time to Reflect

Ms. Maya Angelou captures the sentiment of this critical step perfectly, “When you know better, you do better.” No one comes into our life by accident and everyone we encounter in life either brings us love or lessons. Experiencing an unexpected heartbreak may very well include a little of both and it’s our job to figure out what that relationship taught us about ourselves. This may mean having to relive some of those memories and emotions you already worked through, but, it’s part of the hard work. 

While it may be justified (and easier) to place all the blame onto the other person, if you’re going to get any real value from this exercise on reflection, you’ll really need to dig deep to figure out what this experience revealed about you? Journaling is especially effective in uncovering the obvious and hidden wisdom here.

As long as you can keep it real, be open to hold yourself accountable for your part with what went wrong, then you open yourself up to developing greater discernment and ensure you’re not repeating behaviors in the future that don’t serve you. So, get your journal out - get comfortable with being uncomfortable, and stay open to discovering the layers of truths that this past relationship offers.

4. Love and Honor Yourself

A healthy dose of self-love will be a vital leap forward to getting to the other side of this. What is it that makes you feel good-mind, body and soul? Now this may look different today than it did a year ago or even five years ago. So, be excited, get creative and playful as you explore what makes you happy. This could look like:

• -Creating Healthy Boundaries

• Cultivating a Positive Mindset

• Daily Affirmations

• More Exercise

• Upgrading To a Healthier Diet

• Getting in Sync With Your Natural Sleep Cycle

• Practicing Mindfulness

• Reading a Good Book

• Taking a Trip

• Volunteering in Your Community

• Cleaning Out Your Closet

• Taking Your Dog to the Park

• Scheduling a Spa Day

• Or Even Some Retail Therapy 

There are no wrong answers as long as it promotes your healing and it feels good. When we can get ourselves closer to a place of bliss and embrace who we are (flaws and all) and where we are in our life journey, we allow more space for gratitude and we end up positioning ourselves to receive even more blessings. And you deserve all of it!

5. Move Forward, Empowered

There is no denying that our emotions are powerful and can overpower us at times, especially after an unexpected and painful heartbreak. We know now, that this was never about them. This was always about you and your personal growth, so that you can better align to the good that you truly deserve. Move forward knowing that you have the ability to endure heartbreak and take control of your life, as long as we choose to respond. 

In other words, moving through it is a choice - it’s not a matter of ‘can I’ get through it, it’s a matter of ‘when I’ get through it.  Rejection is your protection and what’s for you, will never pass you by. Take a few moments when you get up in the morning, and before you go to sleep at night, to be still, and allow that to be your mantra. Allow it to reverberate through your body and take root in your DNA. Embody that self-love and it is promised that it will be reflected back to you! You got this!

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Toxic Relationships: 10 Signs You Are Becoming the Toxic One

By: Jamila Gomez

No relationship is perfect. Perfection in any aspect is not a real thing anyway. But I can guarantee that every relationship you’ve ever been in – whether it’s romantic family, platonic, or working – has endured some sort of strain at some point. Although we don't always want to admit it, much less are able to recognize it, sometimes when relationship is sour, it's because we're the problem. Or at least half of the problem. Don’t believe me? Here are 10 signs that you are becoming the toxic one in your relationships. See if you recognize yourself in any of it.

1) Lack of Responsibility

You don't take responsibility for your part in things falling apart or going wrong. You always blame others or you always choose to remain in situations that allow you to avoid accountability. 

2) You Always Have to be Right

You only choose to talk to people who agree with you. You never admit your mistakes or when you are wrong about something. Remember, it’s alright to adjust your thoughts and opinions when presented with no (to you) information. But you need to be open to understanding that you ain’t always got the answers. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

3) You Harbor Resentment

You can't/won't let things go. Either resolve the issues or learn to let it go.

4) You're a Control Freak

It has to be your way or no way. You always have to be at the center of everything. Or you always have to take the reins in any given situation so that it will go your way.

5) You Lack Communication Skills

No one is a mind-reader and you can't expect people to know how you feel if you purposely say nothing. And when you choose to stay silent and not having your needs met, you don’t have the right to be upset with the other person. Closed mouths don’t get fed.

6) You Can't Be Trusted

You are sneaky and dishonest. Going behind someone’s back and doing things you know would hurt them is very toxic. And you can’t use the excuse of “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you” when you get caught in the act. If you don’t want to hurt someone, don’t do the thing that you’d feel the need to be dishonest about later on in the first place.

7) You're Always in Competition With Others

You're obsessed with one-upping or being better than others rather than just being the best version of you that you can be. Or you constantly compare yourself to others you think are doing better than you. The grass is always greener on the other side – until you see the other side. Then you realize your lawn was fine.

8) You Become Unwell

You neglect your mental and physical health. When you don’t take care of yourself, you become no good for other people. Sometimes this is unintentional, and an underlying issue may be at the helm. But if you’re purposely letting yourself go, it can hurt the relationships you’ve built.

9) Your Relationships Are One-Sided

You're always taking/receiving but never at least offering to give/do (when you know you're able). It’s one thing to genuinely need help, but if you’re constantly taking just to take, you’re toxic.

10) You're Emotionally Manipulative

You make people feel guilty for not being your perception of perfection. No one is obligated to live up to your expectation, especially when you don’t even do it.

I hope that helps.

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When the Bond Breaks: When It’s Time to End a Friendship and How to Do It

By: Jamila Gomez

I’ve never been that great at building and maintaining friendships. Growing up, I was a loner. My experiences with Spina Bifida and the different ways the defect showed up in my life in the wrong places at the wrong times often left me feeling like I would never get to the place where I could ever harness real connections because I felt so abnormal.

There are a few people that I have known since childhood who have stuck with me all this time and we’re all pushing 40. And even recently, I have been able to make a few connections that stuck. At least, they stuck for a while.

As I’ve gotten older, my personal definition of friendship has taken on a deeper meaning than it used to. Before, I simply wanted to be around people I had things in common with that I could go out and have fun with. Then I grew more introverted than I am now and it just became a desire for people I had things in common with. Overtime, I began to notice that the adhesive on these bonds was not as strong as I thought it was and these bonds began to break. 

The severing would start to take place when real-life situations began to show up in our lives. One friend would begin a new romantic relationship and I was pushed to the side. But when she was bored or her relationships ended, she then had time. But then there would be times when I would feel a little down for whatever reason and just needed someone to talk to but ended up having to deal with it by myself.

Then there is the friend of a different race with whom we can bond over music but can’t talk about the racial divide and what we can do together to try and stop it. It can feel really lonely when you feel like you are the only one among your people who truly cares and I have found myself in this lonely place with her on many occasions.

Things like this may sound trivial, but to me, they were red flags. I needed more out of my friendships than just someone I can go to lunch with or talk about music with. I needed friends I could do life with. Ones I could at least talk about life with. Sure, we can hang out and go places and have fun. That’s part of it. But I needed more than just lunch.

I needed friend with whom I could travel the world with. Friends I could celebrate milestones with. Big events. Triumphs. But also those who’d hold each other down when things get rough. Friends who live by “check on your strong friends”. When I realized what I needed was not what I actually had, it was time to make some changes.

Ending friendships is never easy, especially when it wasn’t easy to obtain them to begin with. It takes quite a bit of introspection and being honest with yourself and what you know you need. And not just what you need, but also what you have to give. Friendships are reciprocal and the friend shouldn’t be the only person doing the giving. You have to give also. But it is important that don’t deprive yourself of the things you need from a friendship. And if you know you’re not being fed the way you would like, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate.

Another thing to be mindful of regarding whether or not a friendship needs to end is if the bond feels stagnant. As we grow as individuals, the friendships we have should evolve and mature as well. If you both are growing but the friendship isn’t, it’s a sign that you are growing in different directions. And it’s okay. Your life isn’t over just because a friendship is. It just means that, that chapter in your life is done and it’s time to start a new one.

The way one goes about ending a friendship is really up to that person. While it’s not the most respectful thing to ghost the person, some may find it better to avoid confrontation, arguments, and mind-changing. Otherwise, perhaps you may want to sit down with the friend to get the concerns off your chest. No need to go into grave detail, but if you need to give a brief telling of why you need to cut ties, at least the other person can have that closure.

Take as much responsibility and accountability as you can. Avoid placing blame on the other person unless they have offended you. If that is the case, let them know of the offense, but still be responsible for your own feelings.

When all is said and done, both of you will need time. It’s okay to mourn and grieve over the end. Make sure you take care of your feelings and emotions during the grieving process. But allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Chances are it’s going to hurt. Let it hurt, but then let it heal. Remember that you can always build new bonds with new people.

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Moving Forward | It's Time To Grow And Let Go

By: Sydni Hatley

They say that you can literally feel when you are moving into the next chapter of your life---when you are growing. We all love the idea of growth, evolving, and becoming the best version of ourselves, but sometimes growth is hard because it means letting go of certain people, habits, and mentalities that we’ve grown comfortable with but that no longer serve us.

It is called growth because you are moving into the next phase of your life, and not everybody and everything can come with you. Thus enters the concept of “growing pains”, because the process of letting go of the familiar can hurt, but once it is said and done, and you are on the other side, the fruits of that labor will always be worth the release. 

When you know it is time to let go of something, (a relationship, a friendship, a job, a certain lifestyle, etc.), everything in your life will seemingly start to point it out. The signs will be everywhere. The concept of severing ties with things that no longer serve where you are going will become apparent, making themselves clearer and clearer each time you avoid this truth.

The purpose of our existence in this life is literally to evolve in mind, body, and spirit. We cannot grow in physicality but remain stuck in the same circumstances that hold our minds and spirits back from maturing as well. Growing pains themselves (which are the actual process of letting go) are a trial to see if you are ready to take the next steps necessary to achieving personal freedom and happiness---but no one can take those steps but you. 

A lot of times when it comes to the need to outgrow toxic situations of any kind, there will be many tests to hold you back. For instance, if it is a toxic relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend, they may see you starting to outgrow them and try to trap or manipulate you into staying. If it is a toxic friend, they may do the same. DO NOT stay out of fear of being alone, or anything else.

Growth and maturation is about strengthening the mind and aligning the mind with your own discernment. Seeing a situation that no longer serves you is the first part, acting on that situation for the betterment of your life is another. You must remain steadfast in your purpose, and trust that you are going further without them than with them. 

We always see testimonies about how healthy people are once they began prioritizing their own life and happiness, and we as people long to have that ourselves. The reality is, it takes a lot of work to even get to that space of inner peace and true tranquility. You must identify the things that uplift you vs. drag you down, and that process can be simple if you let it be. Accepting them is the second hardest thing to do. Moving on from them is the first.

The key is to focus on yourself, focus on your journey and how YOU’RE feeling. Try to move in alignment with what makes you happy and uplifts you. Remove anything and anyone from your life that does not. The best thing you can do when it’s time to close a chapter of your life is honor your intuition, know your worth, focus on where you want to go, and don’t look back at the things or people that you know won’t get you there.

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Gray Expectations: 4 Tips For Navigating Through The Talking Stage

By: Kathleen Santos

Who else can relate?  It’s a match! Attraction was immediate based on each other's profile pics - so we swiped right. Or maybe we matched because we share a similar ideal and agree that people who find it fascinating to debate about ‘pineapples on pizza’ are corny. Maybe we’ve known each other from work, and one of us has only recently become single after being previously attached. 

Regardless of how it happens, the connection leads to more dialogue, an exchange of compliments and lots of flirtatious small talk.  Eventually, we link up, chemistry is dope, and at this point, no one is giving off any creepy or psycho vibes.  And so, our arduous dating journey begins.

Establishing a connection with someone you’re attracted to in-person may be more difficult to maneuver for some, but it’s not impossible as long as you’re being yourself. And with 24/7 access to potentials via dating apps and social media, shootin’ your shot is even easier since it requires little effort, just some audacity!

With billions of people on this planet, the odds on a good set of options, are in our favor.  Whether you’re dating with intention or just looking to add to the roster, we can all agree that this part of the process should be pretty easy. If you don’t think so, then you’re not ready to be out here just yet. Take your time and try again later. 

The next phase of the dating journey, however, could get more awkward and problematic. At the beginning, we are likely playing it real cool. We’ve probably agreed that we’re in this to get to know each other, have fun, and of course, “We’ll see where it goes...” No pressure. Before we know it, we’re spending more time, we’ve got the bedroom mixtapes on replay, and we’re really vibin’. Inevitably, someone catches feelings. Now what? Welp… We have now entered into an area of uncertainty or a space of gray expectations.

To be clear, this concept is most relevant when we’ve been hanging out for at least a couple of months, give or take a month. We’re still single, we see each other regularly, but we’ve not talked about being exclusive, so there aren’t any titles. But could we be headed in that direction? Our relationship status is unclear just as our expectations might be. Should we be planning to see each other regularly every week?  How often? What are the rules around daily calls and texts? What do I tell my friends or family who are curious about you? What about my roster? Am I supposed to be giving it up? If I do, you definitely need to give up yours. Is this even the time to have this conversation to define this relationship? What are we doing?? What are we??? Ugggghhhh… 

Managing the noise and our own well-being can be tricky when we are dating in a hookup culture that breeds anxiety, ambiguities, and situationships. Those looking for answers to these questions of who/what/where/how/why, might turn to Youtube or IG relationship gurus, dating coaches, and/or their friends who all have opinions and experiences to share about ‘what men/women really want’ or ‘how to get him/her to commit’.  Save yourself some valuable time in analysis paralysis and leave all that alone. If you do find yourself tumbling down this vast rabbit hole though and getting yourself stressed… please read on.

Being able to effectively navigate through this gray area will require understanding, accepting, and embracing the idea that you have absolutely no control over anyone, but you! So, to help you get through to the other side, keep the following in mind:

1. CoMmunicate, Communicate, Communicate

Suck it up, and talk it out. Be open and ensure that the two of you are on the same page about what you’re doing, so that you can move accordingly.

2. Require Respect and Healthy Boundaries

If the timing isn’t right to commit and slap a title on the relationship, but you decide to keep hanging out, then so be it. Understand, accept, and embrace this decision with no other expectations.  It will be important to continue to require respect and healthy boundaries, whether or not there is a commitment, so leave no room for misunderstanding there.

3. Keep The Focus On You!

If the person you want isn’t in a position to reciprocate, you need to STOP expending more energy and just match theirs.  Be committed to getting yourself ready for the right one who will be decisive and equipped to respond correctly.  In the meantime, keep your roster.  Get your mind, body, soul and bag right!  Stay productive, booked, and busy!  

4. Appreciate The Now

Maintaining a grateful mindset opens the door to more opportunities and results in benefits that include enhanced physical, emotional and mental health. So, be intentional about taking in the sights, sounds, and smells every day. Be aware of your feelings during the highs and lows, be present in all of it.  Be thankful for the wins and lessons. No one needs to be worried about yesterday, it’s long gone. And, while we can keep an eye on the future, we don’t live there. Let’s normalize and cherish being grateful and fully present.

Case in point, Miss Lori Harvey. While some may find her lifestyle choices controversial, Twitter has very recently reminded us that she might be able to teach us a few things. I mean, she is ‘Act Like a Lady and Think Like a Man’ personified (no doubt thanks to the Coach himself, Uncle Steve Harvey), so we should consider taking notes. 

Lots of people out here are happy to judge her for what she does or doesn’t do, how she lives her life, or her choices in men, but I can’t hate!  At this point in her life, Lori is doing what she is supposed to be doing.  She’s single, taking care of herself, living her life unapologetically, minding her business, doing what she wants and whoever she wants. Can’t be mad at that. What’s even more impressive? While she’s open to sharing, she’s not saying a damn thing more than she needs to about what she’s doing nor is she getting caught up in foolish gossip! And most importantly, she is not letting any man stress her!

In the meantime, Lori is continuing to mind her own and letting us in on who is putting a smile on her face (for now) as she pleases. And by the looks of Michael B. Jordan’s grin these days, he is loving being posted up. 

Bottomline: When you're having to navigate through a situationship with gray expectations, remember that it has less to do with the other person and more to do with ourselves. Your time is not frivolous. Let them know it’s earned. Keep the focus on your preparation, so when your level-up comes around, you are ready!

Lori Harvey and Michael B. Jordan

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Zodiac Compatibility | Learning Your Love Compatibility Through Astrology

By: Sydni Hatley

Many people base friendships, relationships, and their general understanding of others off of the zodiac sign assigned to them at birth (the proper term for this is “Sun sign”). The Sun sign is in fact the most common thing people associate themselves with when it comes to astrology, but what people don’t realize is that just like we have many different qualities that determine who we are, there are many different astrological aspects that influence who we are as well.

One example of how much this makes a difference in our lives is in the area of love. A lot of times when people first meet and gage their compatibility with a potential partner, they are basing this compatibility solely on their sun signs (which describes their basic nature and personality traits), instead of equally looking at their venus sign (how they typically operate when in love and relationships), as well as their Moon sign (how they express and deal with their innermost emotions). 

The Sun, Moon, and Venus signs are only three of eleven signs that make up the entire birth chart of a person. It is important, as one continues to learn about astrology, that they understand how each planet is responsible for a different part of their character. Also, depending on the sign linked to that respective planet, it will determine how one acts in that area.

As it pertains to love, the more important planets that will help determine compatibility are in fact the Sun, Moon, and Venus signs. The Sun sign is important as it pertains to love because it determines the core qualities that make you, you. For instance, if you are a Scorpio, are you typically very honest, loyal, or a private person? If you are an Aries, are you typically fiery? A leader? These are aspects to your character that are at the core of your being, and remain the most constant.

The Moon sign is important too as it pertains to love, because it shows your partner who you are when nobody's watching. It gets rid of any facades and lets your partner know who you are when you’re the most comfortable. For example, if your moon is in Leo you’re typically a lot more emotional than people think, and you may tend to be dramatic.

Finally, the Venus sign is important because it helps determine the type of person you are in relationships. For instance, if your Venus is in Virgo you could say that in relationships you are a bit critical of your partner but devoted, and/or a bit of a perfectionist. Overall, people use the sun sign alone thinking that it is the only indicator of their compatibility with someone, but there is a whole other world of areas important to a relationship that are influenced by astrology. 

A final aspect that should be mentioned as it is just as important when it comes to love and relationship compatibility is the planet of Mercury: the planet of communication. Whatever a potential partner’s sign in Mercury is will help determine their style of communication. For example, my friend’s Mercury is in Sagittarius, and they typically communicate in a scattered, fleeting manner. Coincidentally, this is a quality of people who’s Mercury is in Sagittarius. Your communication style matters when thinking about compatibility with your partner as healthy communication is essential for a successful relationship. It is great to have a nice general vibe with someone but if they cannot communicate in relationships it won’t go anywhere.

Learning your natal chart and the astrological aspects of your character will help tremendously in better understanding yourself both in love and in life. You can calculate your natal chart easily by making sure you know your birth date, birth time, and exact birth location (city and state). Once you have these three things, you can unlock a whole new world of understanding, making life so much easier for yourself in the long run. Hopefully this information will make finding the perfect match a lot more fun and exciting!

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Red vs. Green Flags: 18 Green Flags You Should Look For In A Healthy Relationship

By: Kathleen Santos

When you ask someone about what traits they are looking for in a person they are dating, they might be quick to rattle off all the usual surface-level type of qualities, like: They have to be funny, smart, healthy; have to have a stable job, dress nice, and hopefully we like the same basketball or football teams; obviously, they smell good, and are really easy to look at, and bedroom chemistry is on point…Pretty straightforward list.

But, let’s be honest. When it comes down to it, while many of these traits will be important to physical and intellectual chemistry, they may be better described as preferences. They aren’t qualities that are going to be what strengthens a relationship dynamic, so that they can withstand stress or conflict as a couple effectively.  

With an enduring relationship in mind, you’d need to do some work and figure out if you all have some depth in compatibility as well, so that you can get that “If I Ain’t Got You” kind of love we heard about from Alicia Keys when we were growing up.

What exactly should we be looking for then? Surprisingly, we may not be as quick to rattle off these requirements. In fact, we might come back expeditiously with red flags ready, “... I’ll tell you what I DON’T want!”... Maybe you’ve shared something to that effect with others before? Yeah, me too. 

While the list of red flags are easier to recall, don’t worry, this doesn’t make you or I a pessimist or cynic.  We’ve just been conditioned to look for these red flags. Our own testimonies of heartbreak along with witnessing others go through it definitely influences our views on them. And wouldn’t you know it…science has something to say about it too.

According to WebMD, there are quite a few research studies out there that support why we tend to remember the negatives or bad memories more vividly compared to those positive or good memories.  The studies suggest that recalling the negatives might be due to an evolutionary response, a sort of survival mechanism. Case in point, if we went on safari in Botswana, we innately know to keep our eyes on that tall grass where the lions or lionesses are hiding ready to snatch their meals. Arms and legs inside the truck during the tour - pretty clear.

Back to red flags…again, while we recognize that we need to pay attention to them, we also need to make sure we are equally focused, if not more so, on green flags. What exactly are green flags anyway? These are personality and behavioral traits that can support a lasting relationship dynamic. Specifically, these traits can help create space for more vulnerability and enable deeper compassion for one another, which is essential as the couple gets to know who they are completely, and for true intimacy to be established. The more green flags your partner exhibits, the greater the chances are for long term potential! Let’s take a look at some notable ones below:

Healthy Green Flags

• Knows who they are and what they want… is unapologetically authentic!

• Demonstrates and encourages vulnerability

• Makes you feel emotionally safe 

• Capable of consistent, open, and honest communication 

• An optimist; can easily see the positive in any situation

• Aligned to their life’s purpose, personally and/or professionally

• Supportive of your aspirations and encourages personal growth

• Willing and open to reach a compromise 

• Listens to understand rather than listening to respond

• Practices and prioritizes self-care/ self-love

• Is calm and respectful during arguments

• Feels responsible and is accountable for their own happiness

• Holds you accountable for your own happiness

• Admits when they’re wrong and knows when/how to apologize 

• Understands that there is space for alone time or for friendships outside of the relationship

• Doesn’t disrespect you, behind your back or in public 

• Practical when under pressure and exhibits maturity

• Knows your love language(s), so they understand how to love you correctly (see recent article on Understanding the Five Love Languages) 

This list is not all inclusive of course, and we need to consider we all have different requirements. So, whether you're single, dating, or committed, I would encourage you to reflect on those green flags that are most important to your relationship dynamic and start building your own checklist. Superficial preferences aside, determining compatibility will require more from us, especially if we’re after what Ms. Alicia is singing about. We’ll be better equipped to be in tune with ourselves and our partner’s authentic self as long as we have the courage to hold each other accountable for identifying and expressing our values and beliefs to one another.

“Some people think / That the physical things define what’s within / And I’ve been there before / That life’s a bore / So full of the superficial / Some people want it all / But I don't want nothing at all. If it ain't you baby" - Alicia Keys

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Understanding The 5 Love Languages: What's Yours?

By: Kathleen Santos

Have you ever taken the garbage out for your girlfriend without asking and she didn’t thank you? Or maybe you attempted to surprise your husband by door-dashing some lunch, but he complained that it was a waste of money and impersonal. Have you tagged your boyfriend on your IG or Twitter to wish them ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’ and he didn’t bother to like it…just ignored it? 

Now, we all know that these types of situations happen all the time and a fight is 99.9% inevitable each time, right?  Someone most definitely will end up getting the silent treatment or maybe even yelled at, while the other likely would feel pretty unappreciated or taken for granted.  

So, what is the secret sauce to avoiding some of this drama? This might depend on who you ask, but according to author and marriage counselor, Gary Chapman, Ph.D., if we want to be clear about what we want, avoid unnecessary drama, and get our romantic relationships to really flourish, we need to learn how to speak each other's language.

We all express and receive love differently. Even if you’ve just started dating someone special, are in a newly committed relationship, or if you’ve got some good time-in as an established couple, we can all agree that we all have experienced misunderstandings in matters of the heart and in the end, we all just want to be loved and understood. For nearly 30 years, Dr. Chapman has been helping to improve relationships with his very practical approach to understanding the differences in how we communicate love, so that we can understand each other on a deeper level. And bonus! This will likely keep us out of the petty drama too...

Let’s take a look at what he’s described as the Five Love Languages: 

Words Of Affirmation

When this is someone’s primary love language, it means they need words of affection, praise, and encouragement. Text them a motivational quote on their way to a job interview, pray with them when they’re going through a rough time or give them a call to let them know they’re on your mind.  

What won’t work? Undue criticism, harsh words or a rough tone. 

Quality Time

This person’s love language requires your full attention as a way to show your love and affection. Be fully present, focused on them. Cook dinner or do laundry together!  Be fully engaged when he talks to you about the importance of voting in local elections.  

What won’t work? Checking your phone every few minutes. And don’t wait too long between meetings please.

Physical Touch

For this person who has this as their primary language, love and affection is expressed nonverbally.  This could mean spooning in bed, a long hug before you go to work, sitting close to each other while watching some tv, or holding hands from the car to the grocery store.  

What won’t work? Simple...physical neglect!

Acts Of Service

When this is someone’s love language, it means they feel loved and appreciated when you do things that they would find helpful or kind, big or small, especially without them asking you!  This could mean taking his car to get the oil changed, folding the laundry that’s been sitting in the dryer, or post your favorite picture of her with flames!

What won’t work? Overcommitment, breaking promises. 

Receiving Gifts

For this person, it’s not necessarily all about expensive gifts.  Love and affection is expressed best if you put some careful thought behind it.  While they probably won’t complain about being gifted a luxury brand purse or the latest Samsung Galaxy for their birthday, she’d really appreciate it if you commemorated her recent promotion with her favorite perfume or if you bought him that PS5, just because... 

What won’t work? Buying random presents with no meaning. Don’t you dare forget birthdays, anniversaries.  

Communication is at the heart of any solid relationship. Feeling like we are being loved as we understand love to be is everything!  Putting in the time to understand each other’s love language and adjust how we communicate, not only is going to score you major points with your loved one, but they’ll recognize that you’re reinforcing your commitment to them by prioritizing their needs. The secret sauce is pretty practical advice, there really is no rocket science here.  Take the quiz to determine your language!

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

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Letting Go: 10 Steps To Forgiving And Moving On From Your Past

By: Lauryn Bass

We all know what it’s like for someone to do you wrong in a way that ruins your trust. When you initially feel the hurt, it explodes into anger, pain, or sadness. Once the smoke clears, you are left with the decision: what do we do now? Do we move on? Or is this the end? No matter what you decide, forgiveness has to be in the center of it all. 

But how do you start this journey? Here are 10 steps to forgiving and moving forward from past relationships!

1. Accept What Happened. 

There is no going back from here. Whatever happened, happened. No need to be in denial. Just like the saying goes, “no use in crying over spilt milk.” Life happens and people make mistakes. 

2. Assess Your Feelings. 

I know that it sucks right now. It’s probably going to suck for a while. But there needs to be time taken to unpack the feelings that you have and release those feelings in whatever fashion that you need—that is safe and healthy. Why do you feel the way that you do? Were your insecurities attacked? Do you feel like you were made to look silly? Are you worried what others may think? did they break your trust? Were they rude? Inconsiderate? Once you figure out what your true feelings are only then can you figure out a plan of action to better yourself and realize what the problem is between you and the person who hurt you. 

3. Forgive The Other Person. 

You have to avoid negativity. The more you add into your spirit is only going to keep you in a dark place. This can lead you down a road unlike yourself and away from the love and care that you need. I’m not saying to forget what happened because this may or may not be a red flag and this experience is going to shape you into the person that you are today. You have learned something new about yourself and the other person. But there is no need to add fuel to the fire – we are trying to put it out. You need to forgive the other person and let it go. 

4. Forgive Yourself. 

This was not your fault. No matter the issue, no one asks to be hurt. It’s a terrible feeling that no one should have to deal with and in some cases, communication could’ve been the saving grace. But such is life, and we can only continue to move forward. Healing starts from within. Feelings are intangible, meaning you can’t  just slap a bandage on the issue. A wounded mind and spirit has different steps to mend. But it’s your choice what actions and what energy you put out. You can’t control anyone else but yourself. So forgive yourself for any moment of weakness and get up, and give love another try. 

5. Set A Goal. 

The ball is now in your court. What outcome are you looking for after everything is said and done? Whether or not you choose to continue your relationship with whoever hurt you or move them out of the equation is your choice. Your life is yours to live and you deserve to be happy. So what does that look like to you? Once you figure that out, set some boundaries and stick to them. Let it be known what you want and make sure to play devil’s advocate and hold yourself accountable as well in the situation. Be self-aware about the entirety of the relationship and then move accordingly. 

6. Take Your Time. 

This is the true remedy for it all. Pay attention to the actions of yours and others. Are you all sticking to the plan? Are your feelings the same or have they shifted? This can only be seen with patience to the process. Do not rush your healing. You now have time to wade in it all. Make note of what you learn on your journey and continue to heal. 

7. Surround Yourself With Loved Ones. 

Family and friends are your backbones right now. Though some may not agree with your choices, know that this comes out of love because they don’t want to see you hurt either. Make sure that the people around you are respectful of your decisions and continually speak life into you during this journey. Take their advice lightly, because no situation will be the complete same to yours. You make the ultimate decision that is best for you. They are going to help you in your time of need and whenever you feel lonely, call them. When you’re not strong, lean on them. 

8. Practice Self-Care. 

Do things that help you relax and unwind. GET AWAY FROM SOCIAL MEDIA. Take a bath every once in a while. Scented candles, especially the aromatherapeutic ones have been shown to aid in stress reduction. Get back into your hobbies or try something new. But DO NOT let this affect your normal habits to stay healthy. Continue to eat—treat yourself to something sweet! Do not deprive yourself of anything, that will do more harm than good. Online shopping has been a personal favorite of mine (responsibly). 

9. Stay Positive. 

Continue to create spaces that bring you joy. The atmosphere should be nothing short of happiness—because that’s what you deserve. There will be times when you have a thought that may bring you down, but always remember: “It’s not a bad life, just a bad day.” From there tell yourself that everything will be okay. Laugh at the little things and keep faith that you will feel normally soon—a new normal. 

10. Pray/Meditate 

For those who are religious, give everything to God. I’ve learned that it helps to also have “anchor scriptures” as well to rely on when you have a heavy spirit. Phillipians 4:13 KJV says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” God loves you and never lets you go through a storm alone. Pray when you’re losing your way. For those who aren’t religious, take time to meditate. Clear your mind and just breathe. Speak positive affirmations and repeat them: You are strong. You are beautiful. You are forgiven. 

Forgiveness isn’t tricky, but it also isn’t easy. The pathway to forgiveness is not for the weak but it makes you stronger and it releases a burden off of your shoulders. It looks differently for all and in different situations. But with time, it is always the key to healing.

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The Power Of The “P” Word: Building A Mental Connection Before Sex

By: Britney Lewis

I refer to myself as an ardent feminist. Yes, I believe in being submissive. But I also believe we can be dominant as well. There is a dominance within our lady parts that we need to start utilizing. Once we give a man access to our “P” word, we are introducing him to our soul.

Our souls are intertwining. I’m absorbing all of their energy, as they are mine. How well do you know this person that you are letting into your power? If they are holding onto negative energy guess what, you just absorbed all that up. Their thoughts, feelings, desires, ect., are left as an impression on your aura. Sex is spiritual. Your “P” word is powerful, treat her as such.

As women, we are powerful beings. We provide life for crying out loud! Our vaginas give birth to humans, the most painful experience anybody can endure and live through. I’ve never personally given birth yet, but I can only imagine, a mini human coming out of my vagina! Come on now! And you are trying to tell me that women aren’t powerful? That our “P” word isn’t powerful? It’s freaking magical!

We endure so much. We are so strong. We hold so much power. The whole world would end without our birth canal. The longer you wait, the better it is. Or is it? No sex before marriage they said. Is that even realistic in 2020? Everybody always wants to bring up religion when it comes to sex. But aren’t we sexual beings? Did Jesus ever get married? You don’t think he ever had sex? Am I getting too personal? Is this offending Christians? But I’m a Christian. And these are all questions I have.

Will “holding out” until I say “I do” keep a man long term? Will this make our relationship stronger? Will we focus on other sections of our relationship because the sexual part will be on hold? Or can we still be sexual without actually having intercourse?

I’m actually in a fairly new relationship right now and these questions have all crossed my mind a few times. The current pandemic has kept us apart due to obvious reasons. And honestly, I feel like it has helped us get to know each other extremely well on a mental level. Like where is his head at? How does his mind think? And *looks around the room* I hate being mushy, but I’m falling more and more everyday with his mental. Our conversations are deep. I’m all ears when he is speaking to me. I crave to know everything in his brain. I tell him all the time I wish I could be in your head for five seconds. I can only imagine having such a deep connection with his mental and us bringing that into the bedroom.

I always preach that sex is mental. And it is. The brain is the biggest sex organ. If you are falling for somebody’s intellect and sex is mental, that’s a recipe for amazing sex right there. But should I “hold out” because I don’t want to ruin things between us? Should I “hold out” because I’m a Christian woman searching for a husband? Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by everyone, and husband and wife should keep their marriage pure. God will judge as guilty those who take part in sexual sins.” What is meant by sexual sins?

Opening up your legs is a gamble ladies. The bible says to wait until marriage. But who is really doing that now a days? It’s your body, your choice. Pray about it. I’ve told myself the next man I lay down with will be my husband. But what if it doesn’t work out that way. What if he doesn’t end up being my husband? It’s all scary to think about. Rushing into sex is definitely a no go. But how long should you “hold out”? Until a ring is on your finger? Or until y’all have a mutual understanding of what’s to come? Does anybody have the perfect answer? Or is the perfect answer to listen to the bible? But what if we wait, get married and the sex is horrible? Now I’m married and stuck with a man I hate having sex with. What a nightmare.

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So You’ve Been Cheated On: Picking Yourself Up After Betrayal

By: Lauryn Bass

A personal note for those who need comfort during a difficult time of broken promises. 

So you’ve been cheated on. 

Many thoughts circle your head at once when this happens. Whether you saw it coming or it caught you completely by surprise, it sucks. It truly does. You put your all into the relationship, no matter the time span, to end up here. Never could’ve imagined yourself in this position. Used to see and comment on how others have handled this same situation, but you don’t understand what someone is feeling until it happens to you. 

So.. you’ve been cheated on. 

Trying to understand why, can only make you feel worse. “Why, if, but, then”..you gotta let that go. All of these questions will only lead you to negative thoughts of sadness or anger. No need for all of that to continue because you know what? 

You’ve been cheated on. 

The betrayal of your trust is one thing, but to look silly in front of others is another. As public as your relationship was, people always had their opinions...people always have opinions. Fact is, no one was right or wrong, neither were you about what happened. Someone made a mistake and here we are to deal with it and move on. 

So..you’ve been cheated on? 

The denial is real when you find out. It doesn’t feel real when it first occurs. “Am I being pranked?” crosses the mind several times, especially when the truth comes from someone else and not your once thought to be “significant other.” You literally used to give advice based on this relationship that you were building. Those gems are still valid..but boy does it feel like a slap in the face. A realization of this pain can bring forth so many new feelings, but taking the necessary steps to explore and accept it healthily will be the best decision you’ll make for the future. 

So. 

From here, remind yourself that you’re going to be alright. You always have been and you always will be. This was not your fault. Do not judge your worth off of the person who didn’t see it. You are now embarking on a new journey of life, and your experiences will only make you stronger. You have options. Get out there and continue to live out your wildest dreams. Things seem shaky right now, but with time they will calm down and settle back into place. 

Love, Yourself <3

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