Fear of Intimacy vs. Standards: Which One Is It?
Fear of Intimacy
Photo Credit: Prostock-Studio via iStockPhoto.com
By: Jamila Gomez
A lot of people confuse fear of intimacy with “just having high standards.” And on the surface, the actions can look the same: being slow to open up, keeping your distance, being cautious with your heart, taking your time before committing. But the truth is, the motivation behind those behaviors is what tells the real story. One protects you. The other keeps you from the very connection you say you want.
Fear of intimacy isn’t about being picky. It’s about being scared. Scared of being seen. Scared of being chosen and then disappointed. Scared of depending on someone who might shift on you later. When you’re moving from fear, you’re not evaluating people — you’re avoiding vulnerability. You pull back when someone gets too close. You sabotage good connections.
You tell yourself they’re “not your type” just to stay in your comfort zone. You choose people who won’t challenge you emotionally because it feels safer than showing up fully. You might even convince yourself you don’t want a relationship at all. But underneath all of that is a fear that if someone actually sees you, they might walk away.
Standards, on the other hand, come from clarity. Standards say, “I know what I value, and I’m not accepting less.” They’re rooted in experience, self-respect, and knowing what kind of relationship you want to build. Standards make you intentional, not avoidant. They help you recognize compatibility, emotional availability, and alignment. They guide you to people who can meet you where you are and grow with you.
The difference shows up in how you respond to a healthy connection. When you have standards, you stay open. You ask questions. You observe. You take your time without pushing people away. You don’t expect perfection, but you do expect consistency. You don’t flinch at honesty or effort. You stay present even when it feels new.
But when fear is driving, closeness feels like a threat. You start anticipating the worst before anything even happens. Someone’s genuine interest makes you uncomfortable because you’re not used to receiving. You limit yourself to surface-level relationships because they feel easier. You choose partners who confirm your fears instead of partners who challenge them. You call it “I’m protecting my peace,” but what you’re really protecting is a wound you haven’t fully faced.
And here’s the truth many of us don’t want to sit with: sometimes we hide behind “standards” so we don’t have to admit we’re scared. We overcorrect. We build walls and call them boundaries. We convince ourselves that emotional independence means emotional isolation. We pretend we’re not moved, when in reality, we just don’t trust that intimacy won’t cost us more than it gives.
The key is asking yourself one honest question: Are my choices rooted in self-respect or self-protection? If it’s self-respect, that’s standards. Keep them. They’re shaping the kind of connection you actually deserve. If it’s self-protection, that’s fear. And fear keeps your heart several steps behind your growth.
You don’t have to lower your standards. You just have to stop confusing emotional distance with emotional maturity. When you’re willing to separate fear from discernment, you finally give yourself room to connect without losing yourself.
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