Fear of Intimacy vs. Standards: Which One Is It?
Fear of intimacy can disguise itself as high standards, but the difference shows up in the walls we build to feel safe even when those same walls keep us from the love we want! We discuss it here!
Fear of Intimacy
Photo Credit: Prostock-Studio via iStockPhoto.com
By: Jamila Gomez
A lot of people confuse fear of intimacy with “just having high standards.” And on the surface, the actions can look the same: being slow to open up, keeping your distance, being cautious with your heart, taking your time before committing. But the truth is, the motivation behind those behaviors is what tells the real story. One protects you. The other keeps you from the very connection you say you want.
Fear of intimacy isn’t about being picky. It’s about being scared. Scared of being seen. Scared of being chosen and then disappointed. Scared of depending on someone who might shift on you later. When you’re moving from fear, you’re not evaluating people — you’re avoiding vulnerability. You pull back when someone gets too close. You sabotage good connections.
You tell yourself they’re “not your type” just to stay in your comfort zone. You choose people who won’t challenge you emotionally because it feels safer than showing up fully. You might even convince yourself you don’t want a relationship at all. But underneath all of that is a fear that if someone actually sees you, they might walk away.
Standards, on the other hand, come from clarity. Standards say, “I know what I value, and I’m not accepting less.” They’re rooted in experience, self-respect, and knowing what kind of relationship you want to build. Standards make you intentional, not avoidant. They help you recognize compatibility, emotional availability, and alignment. They guide you to people who can meet you where you are and grow with you.
The difference shows up in how you respond to a healthy connection. When you have standards, you stay open. You ask questions. You observe. You take your time without pushing people away. You don’t expect perfection, but you do expect consistency. You don’t flinch at honesty or effort. You stay present even when it feels new.
But when fear is driving, closeness feels like a threat. You start anticipating the worst before anything even happens. Someone’s genuine interest makes you uncomfortable because you’re not used to receiving. You limit yourself to surface-level relationships because they feel easier. You choose partners who confirm your fears instead of partners who challenge them. You call it “I’m protecting my peace,” but what you’re really protecting is a wound you haven’t fully faced.
And here’s the truth many of us don’t want to sit with: sometimes we hide behind “standards” so we don’t have to admit we’re scared. We overcorrect. We build walls and call them boundaries. We convince ourselves that emotional independence means emotional isolation. We pretend we’re not moved, when in reality, we just don’t trust that intimacy won’t cost us more than it gives.
The key is asking yourself one honest question: Are my choices rooted in self-respect or self-protection? If it’s self-respect, that’s standards. Keep them. They’re shaping the kind of connection you actually deserve. If it’s self-protection, that’s fear. And fear keeps your heart several steps behind your growth.
You don’t have to lower your standards. You just have to stop confusing emotional distance with emotional maturity. When you’re willing to separate fear from discernment, you finally give yourself room to connect without losing yourself.
YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED IN:
SHARE TO SOCIAL MEDIA
The Outsourcing of Intimacy: Why Borrowed Words Can’t Replace Real Connection
Therapy-speak may give us the words to name our feelings, but real connection requires the messy, vulnerable truth behind them. We discuss it here!
Borrowed Words Can’t Replace Real Connection
Credit: Yuri A. Via Shutterstock
By: Jamila Gomez
We live in an era where therapy-speak and self-help language are everywhere. Scroll through your feed and you’ll see it: people talking about “protecting their peace,” “not having capacity,” or “establishing boundaries.” Podcasts, TikToks, and Instagram reels have given us a whole new vocabulary for how we approach relationships. And while this language has helped many of us name things we didn’t have words for growing up, there’s a danger in leaning on it too heavily. When we start outsourcing our words, we risk outsourcing our intimacy too.
For Black folks especially, therapy and open conversations about mental health weren’t always accessible or encouraged. Having the language of “trauma,” “attachment styles,” or “emotional labor” can feel liberating because it validates what we’ve always felt but couldn’t explain. That’s the upside: these borrowed words can give us clarity and tools. They help us talk about boundaries without guilt, about self-worth without shame. They’ve given us permission to name what once was only swallowed silence.
But the downside is subtle. Sometimes we use therapy-speak as a shield instead of a bridge. It’s easier to say, “I don’t have capacity right now,” than to admit, “I don’t feel like talking because I’m hurt.” The first sounds polished, like you’ve been through a workshop. The second is vulnerable, messy, and real. And intimacy—the real kind—requires mess.
Relationships suffer when everything is filtered through buzzwords. Instead of raw honesty, we give each other curated scripts. Instead of risking being misunderstood, we hide behind universal phrases that sound wise but aren’t personal. A partner, a friend, or even a sibling doesn’t always need the perfect therapeutic phrase. They need you. Your unpolished words, your stumbles, your actual feelings in their raw form.
This is where intimacy lives: in the shaky “I don’t know how to say this, but…” or the fumbling, “I’m scared you’ll leave if I tell you the truth.” Borrowed language can open the door, but it can’t walk us through it. At some point, we have to put down the script and risk sounding human.
It’s important to remember: vulnerability is not supposed to sound perfect. Love isn’t an essay, it’s an exchange. Healing isn’t a caption, it’s a practice. The point isn’t to be fluent in therapy-speak; the point is to be fluent in yourself.
We can’t afford to let our intimacy become outsourced. The people closest to us deserve more than a vocabulary—they deserve our voices. Not the podcast version, not the Instagram-ready one, but the shaky, complicated, deeply personal truth. That’s what real connection is made of.
YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED IN:
SHARE TO SOCIAL MEDIA
It Could All Be So Simple: The Overcomplication of Love and Relationships
Simplifying love by overcoming unrealistic expectations, over analysis, and fear of vulnerability fosters healthier and more fulfilling relationships. We discuss it here!
Photo Credit: ljubaphoto via iStockPhoto.com
By: Jamila Gomez
Love and relationships are often seen as the pinnacle of human connection, yet we have a tendency to overcomplicate them. Despite love’s inherent simplicity, societal expectations, personal insecurities, and modern dynamics often create unnecessary complexity, turning what should be a source of joy into a maze of confusion. Understanding how we overcomplicate love is the first step toward simplifying it and fostering healthier, more fulfilling connections.
1. Unrealistic Expectations
One of the most common ways we overcomplicate relationships is by holding onto unrealistic expectations. Influenced by fairy tales, movies, and social media, we often envision love as a flawless, sweeping romance. This creates pressure to maintain a picture-perfect relationship, leaving little room for imperfection. In reality, love is messy and imperfect. It thrives on mutual effort, patience, and understanding—not grandiose gestures or unattainable ideals.
2. Overanalyzing Feelings and Actions
In the age of constant communication and hyper-awareness, overanalyzing has become a default behavior in relationships. We dissect every text message, interpret tone, and read between the lines of seemingly simple interactions. This mental gymnastics can create unnecessary tension and misunderstandings. Instead of enjoying the present moment, we get caught up in “what-if” scenarios and hidden meanings, complicating what could be straightforward communication.
3. Fear of Vulnerability
Love requires openness and vulnerability, but fear of getting hurt often leads us to build walls around our emotions. We engage in mind games, avoid direct conversations, or hide our true feelings to protect ourselves. Ironically, these behaviors create barriers to genuine connection and trust, leaving both partners feeling confused and disconnected. Embracing vulnerability may feel risky, but it is essential for authentic relationships.
4. Seeking Validation
Another way we complicate love is by seeking validation from our partners rather than focusing on self-love. When we rely on someone else to define our worth, relationships can become transactional, with love being conditional upon meeting specific needs or expectations. This creates a cycle of insecurity and dissatisfaction. True love flourishes when both partners feel whole and secure within themselves.
5. Ignoring the Power of Simplicity
At its core, love is about mutual respect, care, and commitment. However, we often underestimate the power of simplicity—spending quality time together, expressing gratitude, and being present. These small, meaningful actions are far more valuable than over-the-top gestures or attempts to over-intellectualize the relationship.
By letting go of unnecessary complexities, we can rediscover the true essence of love: connection, trust, and shared joy. When we simplify love and relationships, we make space for growth, intimacy, and happiness—proving that the best things in life are often the simplest.
YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED IN:
