Why We’re Afraid of Intimacy, Not Just Relationships
Photo Credit: Wavebreakmedia via iStockPhoto.com
By: Jamila Gomez
It’s easy to say we’re afraid of relationships. Commitment. Titles. Vulnerability. But if we go deeper, many of us aren’t just afraid of being with someone — we’re afraid of being truly seen. That’s what intimacy actually is. And that’s what terrifies us.
Intimacy isn’t just physical closeness or romantic connection. It’s emotional exposure. It’s letting someone witness the parts of you that you usually hide — your insecurities, your habits, your weird little fears, your dreams that feel too big to say out loud. Intimacy is sitting in silence with someone and not performing. It’s being loved in the parts of yourself you’re still learning to accept. And for a lot of us, that level of openness feels unsafe.
Especially in the Black community, where strength is often a survival mechanism, we’ve been taught to keep our guards up — not because we don’t want love, but because we’ve learned that love doesn’t always mean safety. Some of us were taught to prioritize loyalty over emotional honesty. Others were raised around emotional withholding, where love came with conditions or was only shown in acts of service — not softness.
So we build walls instead of bridges. We say we’re “chilling” or “not ready.” We self-sabotage when things get too real. We date people who stay emotionally unavailable because deep down, we’re afraid of what it would mean to be with someone who’s actually present. Someone who asks real questions. Someone who doesn’t let us hide.
The truth is, many of us want intimacy — deeply. We crave closeness, emotional safety, real connection. But we’ve never had a model for it that didn’t involve pain, loss, or betrayal. So we protect ourselves from love the same way we protect ourselves from harm — by distancing, distracting, or detaching.
But here’s the thing: You can’t heal what you keep hiding. And the love you want can’t reach you if you’re too armored to let it in.
So if you find yourself running from connection that feels “too much,” pause and ask yourself: Am I afraid of them… or of being seen by them?
It’s okay to move slow. To be cautious. But don’t confuse fear with readiness. You might be more ready for real intimacy than you think — not because it’s easy, but because you’re tired of keeping the most tender parts of you locked away.
You don’t have to be perfect to be loved deeply. You just have to be open.
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