We Need to Talk About Emotional Manipulation in Black Families

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By: Jamila Gomez

There’s a difference between love and control—but in many Black families, that line has been blurred for so long, we’ve been taught to see them as the same thing.

Emotional manipulation isn’t always loud or aggressive. Most of the time, it shows up quiet and familiar, wrapped in phrases we’ve heard all our lives:

“After all I’ve done for you.”

“That’s just how I was raised.”

“You think you better than us now?”

It’s the guilt trip when you try to set boundaries. The silent treatment when you say no. The expectation that you’ll show up, pay up, and never speak up. And if you dare to name what’s happening, you’re suddenly the disrespectful one—the ungrateful child, the outsider, the problem.

In Black families, there’s often an unspoken belief that elders are above accountability, that “family business” should stay quiet, and that loyalty means silence—even in the face of harm. It’s a survival response rooted in real history. Our families have spent generations trying to hold it together under systemic pressure, economic struggle, and racial trauma. Control, shame, and fear became tools to protect and preserve. But those same tools are now damaging us from the inside.

When love is measured by obedience, and respect is weaponized to silence you, it’s not protection—it’s manipulation. And what gets dismissed as “just how they are” ends up becoming our emotional blueprint. It teaches us to ignore our own needs, overextend ourselves, and mistake guilt for connection. We carry that into our friendships, romantic relationships, and even into parenting, where the cycle threatens to continue.

This isn’t about blame—it’s about awareness. Because healing starts with naming what hurt us, not pretending it didn’t. And some of the things we normalized growing up were never okay. The problem is, if you try to break the pattern, you risk being labeled difficult, distant, or “not family-oriented.” But what they don’t understand is that choosing your peace isn’t abandonment—it’s protection, too.

Black families deserve better than cycles of emotional silence and manipulation dressed up as tradition. We deserve relationships built on mutual respect, real communication, and space to grow. But we won’t get there if we keep pretending that guilt is love and silence is strength.

We’re allowed to want more. We’re allowed to choose differently. And we don’t owe anyone our emotional freedom just to keep the peace.

The truth is that the only way to truly honor our families is to do the work they weren’t allowed—or willing—to do. That starts by being honest about what’s been passed down… and deciding which parts end with us.

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Your Attachment Style Isn’t a Personality Trait

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By: Jamila Gomez

Attachment styles have become a popular topic lately—people are quick to label themselves as anxious, avoidant, secure, or fearful. Social media quizzes, memes, and quick-hit psychology posts make it easy to say, “Oh, I’m just anxiously attached,” or, “I’m avoidant—that’s who I am.” But here’s the truth we often overlook: your attachment style isn’t actually your personality. It’s not something you were born with, and it certainly isn’t fixed for life.

Attachment styles are coping mechanisms formed in early relationships—usually with caregivers—and shaped by later life experiences. If you felt consistently loved and safe as a child, chances are you developed a secure attachment style. If affection was unpredictable, you might have become anxious—always bracing for the possibility of being abandoned. If your emotional needs were consistently neglected or dismissed, avoidance became your armor. And if your caregivers were unpredictable or unsafe, fearful attachment—mixing anxiety with avoidance—likely became your default mode of navigating relationships.

But these styles aren’t personality traits; they’re survival strategies. They’re what you learned to do to protect yourself from emotional pain, disappointment, and rejection. And what was learned can also be unlearned.

When you see attachment as something fluid rather than fixed, you create space to grow, heal, and transform. Labeling yourself permanently as anxious or avoidant can lock you into patterns of behavior that no longer serve you. It can even become an excuse to avoid doing the deeper emotional work necessary to develop healthier, more secure connections.

Consider this: if your attachment style were truly a core part of your personality, you’d never feel the urge to change it. Yet, many of us do. We grow tired of sabotaging good relationships, exhausted by constantly needing reassurance, or burdened by our instinct to emotionally withdraw whenever intimacy feels too real.

Healing begins by recognizing that your attachment style is not who you are—it’s simply how you learned to be. With awareness, intention, and often professional or therapeutic support, you can reshape your emotional habits and responses. You can develop trust, communicate openly, and build emotional safety within yourself and with others.

Your attachment style doesn’t define your worth or your capacity to love and be loved. Instead, it’s a roadmap showing you exactly where healing needs to happen. By treating your attachment style as something to understand rather than something to accept as your permanent identity, you reclaim your power and invite genuine connection into your life.

So remember: your attachment style isn’t your destiny. It’s your starting point—and your invitation—to heal.

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Designing a Trip That Actually Feels Good to You

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By: Jamila Gomez

There’s a difference between traveling and actually enjoying the trip. Too many women return from vacation exhausted, overstimulated, and needing another few days to recover. What was supposed to be a reset turns into another task—a tightly packed schedule designed for aesthetics more than actual enjoyment. Somewhere along the way, leisure started to feel like performance.

Designing a trip that feels good to you begins with clarity. Not every destination needs to be trendy. Not every restaurant needs to be Michelin-rated. And not every moment needs to be posted. The real question is: what kind of travel makes you feel most like yourself? Because if the trip isn’t aligned with who you are, it won’t serve you—no matter how far the flight.

Some women want movement—museums, excursions, and planned days from start to finish. Others want slow mornings, late breakfasts, and no alarms. Both are valid. But problems start when people plan around pressure instead of preference. If you’re not a morning person at home, forcing a sunrise hike on vacation isn’t self-care—it’s performance. Trust your rhythm. 

Start by identifying the purpose of the trip before you book anything. Is it a break, a celebration, a recovery, or just an escape? That answer will tell you what kind of space you need, how much energy you have to give, and who (if anyone) should come with you. Don’t say yes to trips that don’t reflect your needs. Grown woman travel should feel good before, during, and after the flight. 

Build space into your itinerary. If every hour is accounted for, it’s not leisure—it’s obligation. You need room to wander, to nap, to cancel plans without guilt. The best memories often happen during the unscheduled time. A good trip leaves space for spontaneity without leaving you drained.

There’s also power in traveling for yourself—not for photos, not for content, not for a recap. You don’t owe anyone a slideshow or proof of fun. If the experience felt meaningful to you, that’s enough. The views can stay in your head. The peace can stay off the grid.

And when the trip ends, ask yourself: did it give something back to me? Whether it’s calm, clarity, connection, or just a reason to smile when you think back on it—that’s what matters. Because a trip done right doesn’t just take you somewhere new. It brings you back to yourself.

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Gentle Words for a Mind in Overdrive

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By: Jamila Gomez

When overwhelm sets in, it often feels like being trapped beneath a wave, struggling to catch your breath. Let’s pause right here. First, breathe with me—slowly in, and slowly out. Let’s ground ourselves before we unpack everything swirling around inside.

It’s completely understandable to feel buried under this weight right now. Life has a relentless way of piling on challenges, obligations, and expectations. Recognize this: your overwhelm doesn’t indicate weakness or failure; it’s a signal from your body and mind that you’re juggling more than feels manageable. That’s not a flaw—it’s being human.

Take a moment to acknowledge everything that’s causing your overwhelm. It can feel counterintuitive to face it directly, but clarity often begins with gentle acknowledgment. What specifically feels too heavy today? Is it work pressure, relationship struggles, health concerns, or perhaps the accumulation of many smaller tasks?

Now, let’s compassionately observe what’s happening inside. Overwhelm often whispers lies that sound like truth: “You can’t handle this,” or “You’ll never catch up.” But pause here—these are feelings, not facts. Feelings are valid but not permanent, intense but not all-knowing. You have navigated moments of overwhelm before, even when it felt impossible, and each time, you have found your way through.

Even now, in the fog of too much, there is still something steady inside you. That part of you that got up today, that part of you reading this right now—it matters. It counts. You are not frozen, even if you’re moving slowly. That is still movement. That is still you choosing to try.

Consider for a moment what small action could create some breathing room right now. Not a sweeping, overwhelming solution—just one small step. Maybe it’s writing down a single task to complete, asking someone for help, or choosing to postpone something until tomorrow. Allow yourself permission for small actions that feel gentle rather than Herculean.

And if the small step today is simply letting yourself cry, or rest, or sit in silence for five minutes—that’s valid too. You are not lazy for needing to pause. You are not broken because your capacity is lower today. You’re responding to the weight of your life the best way you can in this moment.

Finally, remember this: you are not alone in this feeling. Many others have stood exactly where you are, feeling exactly what you’re feeling. Overwhelm is isolating, but the reality is profoundly human and deeply shared.

Give yourself the grace you would generously offer someone else in your shoes. Talk to yourself gently: “It’s okay that I’m feeling this. It won’t last forever. I’m allowed to take this slowly, step by step.”

Trust your resilience—it has quietly helped you move through countless tough moments before. It’s okay to slow down, reach out, and prioritize care. You’ve got this—not because it’s easy, but because you have the strength, even in exhaustion, to show up for yourself one gentle step at a time.

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Dare to Want What’s Truly Yours

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By: Jamila Gomez

If you woke up tomorrow morning completely free of anyone else’s expectations, judgments, or opinions, what would you truly want? It’s a deceptively simple question, yet many of us struggle to answer it honestly. We spend so much of our lives shaping our choices around how they’ll be perceived by others—family, friends, coworkers, even strangers—that we often lose sight of our authentic selves. But beneath the layers of external validation and approval-seeking lies a powerful clarity waiting to be uncovered.

Discovering what we truly desire, independent of others’ perceptions, requires courage. It demands that we peel away the protective layers we’ve built up over the years—layers formed by societal pressures, familial expectations, and cultural norms. Beneath it all, you’ll find not just your authentic desires, but also your unique passions, joys, and purposes that are truly yours.

The journey of self-discovery begins with curiosity. Start by asking yourself small, yet deeply revealing questions: What activities make me lose track of time? When do I feel most alive and genuine? Which dreams excite me even if they seem impractical or unconventional? These questions can guide you back to yourself, illuminating paths you may have overlooked because they weren’t “acceptable” or aligned with traditional expectations.

Imagine for a moment how liberating it would feel to genuinely prioritize your own desires without the noise of judgment clouding your decisions. Maybe you’d pursue a career that society doesn’t typically celebrate but makes your heart race with excitement. Perhaps you’d relocate to a city or country that resonates deeply with your spirit, despite skepticism from those around you. Or maybe you’d finally commit to a passion project, whether it’s writing poetry, making art, or traveling solo.

It’s not selfish to seek out what fulfills you; it’s self-respect. The beauty of authenticity is that it doesn’t diminish your relationships—it enriches them. When you’re living in alignment with your true desires, your connections become deeper and more genuine, rooted in who you truly are rather than who you’re expected to be.

Consider taking just one brave step today toward embracing your truth. Speak a desire aloud, journal about your secret dreams, or explore a small, unconventional choice that resonates with your soul. By gradually nurturing this inner authenticity, you’ll build confidence and clarity, ultimately discovering a life shaped by your genuine desires rather than others’ expectations.

So, ask yourself again: What would you truly want if no one else’s opinions mattered? Your answer could be the beginning of a remarkable journey toward your most authentic and fulfilling life.

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