Building Trust Slowly: How Consistency Changes Relationships

Consistency Can Change Relationships

Photo Credit: Jacob Wackerhausen via iStockPhoto.com

By: Jamila Gomez

There’s a kind of loneliness that doesn’t come from being alone. It comes from learning early that you can’t count on people. When you’ve spent years being the one who overextends, overgives, and overexplains just to feel connected, consistency doesn’t land as comfort. It lands as confusion. And when someone finally shows up with steadiness, your first instinct isn’t gratitude — it’s suspicion. Because a part of you is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Trusting consistent people is its own kind of healing, and it’s not glamorous. It’s slow, uncomfortable work. And for many of us, especially Black women who’ve been conditioned to carry everything alone, it feels like putting your heart in someone else’s hands without a guarantee they’ll hold it well.

When someone actually shows up — calls when they say they will, follows through, remembers what matters to you — it hits a part of you that still believes reliability is a luxury. You don’t relax into it. You brace for the moment they reveal themselves to be just like the others. Consistency feels foreign because chaos is familiar, and familiar often feels safer than good. So your body fights the very thing your spirit has been asking for.

You may find yourself testing their intentions without meaning to. Pulling back to see if they’ll notice. Going quiet to see if they’ll reach in. Pretending you don’t care as much as you do because caring has cost you in the past. None of these behaviors make you broken. They make you human. And they tell the truth about what you’ve had to survive.

The real work isn’t learning how to trust someone else. It’s learning how to trust your own discernment. Most of us don’t actually fear being abandoned; we fear choosing wrong again. We fear missing the signs. We fear believing in someone who ends up confirming every wound we’ve worked hard to rise from. So we protect ourselves by never fully letting anyone in.

But here’s the shift: consistency is not a trick. It’s a data point. One moment of care doesn’t mean someone is safe, but a pattern of steady behavior over time deserves to be acknowledged. You don’t have to hand over your entire heart just because someone is kind. You also don’t have to guard your entire heart just because someone from your past failed you. There’s middle ground, and it’s where healthy connection lives.

Learning to trust people who show up is a process of letting your body unlearn the idea that closeness equals danger. It’s noticing when someone does exactly what they said they would and letting yourself soften a little — not all at once, just enough to breathe. It’s letting consistency speak louder than your fear. And it’s reminding yourself that discernment isn’t the same as hypervigilance. One protects you. The other exhausts you.

The truth is, some people really do show up. Not perfectly, not dramatically, but with a steady kind of presence that doesn’t need applause. And you don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to shrink yourself to keep it. You don’t have to pretend you’re unbothered by inconsistency just to make the relationship feel balanced. When someone is committed to showing up, they make room for your truth, not just your strengths.

Little by little, consistency teaches you that you’re not asking for too much. That you’re not too complicated to love. That you can be held without performing. And that connection doesn’t have to hurt to be real. Trust doesn’t grow in a single moment — it grows in the quiet evidence of someone choosing to stay, again and again.

And while you may not be ready to fully relax into that yet, you’re allowed to let it matter. Even if it’s unfamiliar. Even if it scares you. Even if a part of you wonders whether you deserve it.

Because the real answer is: you always did. You just needed someone consistent enough to remind you.

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How Past Relationships Shape Our Future Love Life

Photo Credit: Jacob Wackerhausen via iStockPhoto.com

By: Jamila Gomez

Love is a journey filled with lessons, emotions, and personal growth. Every relationship we experience leaves an imprint on us, shaping how we perceive love, trust, and commitment. Whether it ended in heartbreak or mutual understanding, our past relationships influence how we approach new romantic connections. From emotional baggage to valuable lessons, here’s how our past relationships mold our future love life.

1. Learning from Mistakes

One of the most significant ways past relationships shape us is by teaching us what works and what doesn’t. When a relationship ends, we reflect on what went wrong—was it poor communication, mismatched values, or unmet expectations? These insights help us make better choices in the future, ensuring we don’t repeat the same mistakes.

For instance, if someone has experienced a relationship where they felt unheard, they may prioritize finding a partner who values open and honest communication. This self-awareness allows for healthier and more fulfilling connections.

2. Emotional Baggage and Healing

Not all relationships end on good terms, and sometimes, they leave emotional scars. Betrayal, heartbreak, and toxic dynamics can create trust issues, fear of vulnerability, or low self-esteem. If these wounds are left unhealed, they can affect future relationships, causing unnecessary insecurities or defensive behaviors.

However, when people take time to heal and reflect on their emotional wounds, they enter new relationships with a clearer mind and an open heart. Acknowledging and working through past pain leads to emotional maturity and prevents repeating unhealthy patterns.

3. Understanding Personal Needs and Boundaries

Every relationship provides an opportunity to understand what we truly need from a partner. Some people may realize they need emotional support, while others may prioritize independence. Past relationships help clarify these needs, making it easier to set healthy boundaries in the future.

For example, someone who once felt suffocated in a controlling relationship might recognize the importance of personal space and seek a partner who respects their independence. Recognizing and asserting these boundaries helps create balanced and respectful relationships.

4. Building Emotional Resilience

Breakups and failed relationships, while painful, also build emotional resilience. Overcoming heartbreak teaches people how to cope with disappointment, adapt to change, and emerge stronger. This resilience makes individuals more capable of handling challenges in future relationships, fostering patience, understanding, and maturity.

Past relationships are not just chapters of our love life but stepping stones toward personal growth and healthier future relationships. They teach us valuable lessons, help us heal, and shape our understanding of love. By embracing these experiences, we can move forward with confidence, ready to build meaningful and fulfilling romantic connections.

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It Could All Be So Simple: The Overcomplication of Love and Relationships

Photo Credit: ljubaphoto via iStockPhoto.com

By: Jamila Gomez

Love and relationships are often seen as the pinnacle of human connection, yet we have a tendency to overcomplicate them. Despite love’s inherent simplicity, societal expectations, personal insecurities, and modern dynamics often create unnecessary complexity, turning what should be a source of joy into a maze of confusion. Understanding how we overcomplicate love is the first step toward simplifying it and fostering healthier, more fulfilling connections.

1. Unrealistic Expectations

One of the most common ways we overcomplicate relationships is by holding onto unrealistic expectations. Influenced by fairy tales, movies, and social media, we often envision love as a flawless, sweeping romance. This creates pressure to maintain a picture-perfect relationship, leaving little room for imperfection. In reality, love is messy and imperfect. It thrives on mutual effort, patience, and understanding—not grandiose gestures or unattainable ideals.

2. Overanalyzing Feelings and Actions

In the age of constant communication and hyper-awareness, overanalyzing has become a default behavior in relationships. We dissect every text message, interpret tone, and read between the lines of seemingly simple interactions. This mental gymnastics can create unnecessary tension and misunderstandings. Instead of enjoying the present moment, we get caught up in “what-if” scenarios and hidden meanings, complicating what could be straightforward communication.

3. Fear of Vulnerability

Love requires openness and vulnerability, but fear of getting hurt often leads us to build walls around our emotions. We engage in mind games, avoid direct conversations, or hide our true feelings to protect ourselves. Ironically, these behaviors create barriers to genuine connection and trust, leaving both partners feeling confused and disconnected. Embracing vulnerability may feel risky, but it is essential for authentic relationships.

4. Seeking Validation

Another way we complicate love is by seeking validation from our partners rather than focusing on self-love. When we rely on someone else to define our worth, relationships can become transactional, with love being conditional upon meeting specific needs or expectations. This creates a cycle of insecurity and dissatisfaction. True love flourishes when both partners feel whole and secure within themselves.

5. Ignoring the Power of Simplicity

At its core, love is about mutual respect, care, and commitment. However, we often underestimate the power of simplicity—spending quality time together, expressing gratitude, and being present. These small, meaningful actions are far more valuable than over-the-top gestures or attempts to over-intellectualize the relationship.

By letting go of unnecessary complexities, we can rediscover the true essence of love: connection, trust, and shared joy. When we simplify love and relationships, we make space for growth, intimacy, and happiness—proving that the best things in life are often the simplest.

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