Cultural Gaslighting: “That’s Just How We Were Raised”
Photo Credit: skynesher via iStockPhoto.com
By: Jamila Gomez
We’ve all heard it. You question something harmful—maybe a rigid gender role, casual racism, or toxic parenting—and someone shrugs it off with, “That’s just how we were raised.” It’s meant to end the conversation. But really, it’s a form of cultural gaslighting.
Cultural gaslighting happens when people use tradition or upbringing to excuse behavior that’s clearly harmful or outdated. It’s a way of shifting blame from individuals to culture, as if culture is a fixed, unchangeable force that can’t be questioned. This defense not only dismisses real harm—it also pressures people to doubt their own experiences, especially if they’re trying to unlearn or challenge the values they were taught.
Let’s be clear: culture is not immune to criticism. The way we were raised might have shaped us, but it doesn’t define us forever. Saying “that’s just how we were raised” doesn’t explain behavior—it excuses it. It turns culture into a shield instead of a context. Worse, it implies that calling out harmful norms is somehow disrespectful or disloyal.
This mindset often shows up in family dynamics. A parent might defend verbal abuse as “tough love.” A grandparent might justify a racist comment by saying “that’s just how it was back then.” But normalizing harm doesn’t erase it. And clinging to outdated behavior because it’s familiar keeps cycles of dysfunction going.
It also plays out in institutions. Schools, religions, and workplaces often resist change by invoking tradition. They treat critique as betrayal rather than an opportunity for growth. When people raise legitimate concerns, they’re gaslit into thinking they’re being too sensitive, too radical, or too angry.
But growth starts when we separate understanding from endorsement. Yes, we can acknowledge where we come from. We can recognize why certain behaviors or beliefs took root in our families or communities. But that doesn’t mean we have to carry them forward. The excuse of “how we were raised” becomes meaningless when we realize we now have the power—and the responsibility—to choose differently.
Unlearning takes effort. It means sitting with discomfort, confronting hard truths, and rewriting inherited scripts. But it’s not betrayal—it’s liberation. Challenging cultural norms isn’t a sign of disrespect. It’s a sign that we’re paying attention, that we care enough to want better—for ourselves and the generations after us.
So the next time someone says, “That’s just how we were raised,” ask: “But is that still okay now?” Culture evolves. And so should we.
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