“But That’s Your Family”: Untangling Guilt, Loyalty, and Limits in Blood Ties
Photo Credit: PixelsEffect via iStockPhoto.com
By: Jamila Gomez
There’s a phrase many of us have heard when we try to assert ourselves with family: “But that’s your family.” As if the word alone should override disrespect, excuse harm, or obligate us to stay in proximity to pain. The truth is, family ties can complicate boundaries in ways that are deeply emotional, often tangled in guilt, loyalty, and the hope that things might change. But blood doesn’t give someone the right to bleed you dry.
Setting boundaries with family isn’t about being cruel. It’s about reclaiming agency. It’s the moment you stop shrinking yourself to keep the peace. It’s choosing your mental health over traditions that teach silence. It’s saying, “I love you, but I will not abandon myself to stay connected to you.” And sometimes, that love means loving from afar—or not at all.
The idea that family is sacred often becomes a weapon. You’re told to forgive quickly, to “just let it go,” to keep showing up even when you’re breaking inside. But boundary-setting is not about bitterness. It’s about self-preservation. It’s how you teach others how to treat you—and how you finally begin to believe that you deserve peace, too.
Still, it’s not easy. When you set a boundary with a parent, a sibling, or an elder, it can feel like betrayal. The grief is real. You might mourn the relationship you wish you had. You might battle shame for “disrespecting” someone who raised you. You might fear being labeled ungrateful or dramatic. But honoring your truth is not disrespect. Protecting your energy is not betrayal. And grief, while hard, is often the evidence that you’re doing something necessary.
Some will not understand. Some will push back harder. They’ll say you’ve changed—and they’ll be right. You are changing. You are breaking patterns. You are learning how to live from a place of self-trust instead of fear. And that transformation is often lonely—but it’s also where healing begins.
Letting go of unhealthy dynamics, even in the name of family, is an act of courage. It takes strength to say no more, to create distance, to demand reciprocity and mutual respect. And while some relationships may survive the shift, others won’t. That’s okay. Closure doesn’t always come with mutual understanding. Sometimes, it’s simply a quiet decision to choose yourself.
So the next time someone says, “But that’s your family,” remember: Yes. And I’m still allowed to have limits.
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