Shared Trauma vs Shared Joy in Relationships: From Survival Bonds to Thriving Friendships
Some of our deepest bonds were born in pain, but it is shared joy not shared trauma that keeps relationships alive and thriving. We discuss it here!
From Survival Bonds to Thriving Friendships
Photo Credi: carlesmiro via Shutterstock
By: Jamila Gomez
Many of our deepest bonds started in survival. The friend who sat with you after a breakup. The cousin who grew up in the same chaos you did. The co-worker who whispered the truth about a toxic boss when nobody else would. For Black folks especially, trauma has often been the glue that holds our relationships together. We find each other in the hurt. We recognize ourselves in each other’s scars.
But here’s the question: if pain is the foundation of our closeness, what happens when the pain fades? If the trauma that bonded us is no longer present, is there anything left?
Shared trauma is powerful. It creates instant intimacy because someone else gets it. You don’t have to explain the unexplainable. They already know. But trauma-based relationships can be tricky, because they sometimes stop growing once the wounds stop bleeding. If we never build joy into the bond, then the friendship or partnership can become a cycle of revisiting pain, over and over, as if the only way to connect is to reopen the scar.
Shared joy is different. Joy expands us. It doesn’t just say, “I understand where you’ve been,” it says, “I want to see where you can go.” Joy gives relationships stamina because it gives you something to celebrate together, not just something to survive. Laughing until your stomach hurts, road-tripping with no plan, cheering each other’s wins—those moments keep people close long after trauma has been named and healed.
Too often, we don’t notice the difference until it’s too late. A friendship that once felt unshakable starts to feel heavy, because every conversation circles back to old wounds. A partner feels more like a therapist than a lover. We realize we’ve built a connection that requires us to stay unwell in order to stay close. That’s not intimacy—it’s bondage.
The truth is, we need both. Trauma bonds can start the fire, but joy has to keep it burning. The challenge is asking ourselves: what do we and our people share when we’re not hurting? If the answer is silence, gossip, or nostalgia for old pain, it might be time to shift the foundation.
Relationships rooted in joy don’t erase the hard stuff—they hold it better. But they also remind us that we’re more than what broke us. The people who can laugh with you, dream with you, and grow with you are the ones who keep you alive, not just the ones who kept you company in the dark.
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