Built to Lead, Longing to Rest: The Catch-22 of Loving a Strong Black Woman

Photo Credit: Jacob Wackerhausen via iStockPhoto.com

By: Jamila Gomez

There’s a constant, quiet tug-of-war many Black women feel—but rarely speak about out loud. It’s the tension between wanting to be soft, loved, and held—and knowing we’ve been raised, shaped, and sometimes forced to always be the strong one.

From the time we’re young, we’re taught independence like it’s gospel. Be smart. Be capable. Don’t depend on anyone. Make your own money. Handle your business. And it’s not just talk—it’s modeled for us in the way we watch our mothers, aunties, grandmothers, and older sisters carry families on their backs with little to no help. We inherit their resilience because we’ve had to. Survival demanded it.

Then we grow up and enter male-dominated spaces, and what do we do? We hold our own. We outperform. We lead. We become providers in ways our mothers never got to. We carry success and self-sufficiency like armor because we had to build our lives in a world that never handed us softness to begin with.

But then… we enter relationships. And suddenly, all that independence becomes “too much.” We’re told we don’t know how to “let a man lead.” We’re accused of being too masculine, too combative, too hard to love. And the same traits that helped us survive—and thrive—are used against us.

It’s confusing. If we stand tall, we’re difficult. If we ease up, we’re gold diggers or lazy. There’s rarely grace for us to just be. And the truth is, many of us do want to rest. We want to be held, not just needed. We want to feel safe enough to take the cape off. But trust—real trust—requires safety. And softness is a risk when you’ve been taught your whole life that depending on others means being let down.

This isn’t about bashing men. It’s about naming the weight we carry, and how complicated it becomes when we’re expected to shift gears emotionally with no support, no reassurance, and no room to be in process.

If we want softness from Black women, the conditions have to exist for us to feel safe being soft. That means emotional safety, consistent leadership, and the kind of partnership that honors our whole humanity—not just the version of us that’s useful or easy.

We are not hard because we want to be. We’re hard because we had to be. And for many of us, the journey isn’t about “submitting”—it’s about unlearning survival in spaces that finally feel safe enough to exhale.

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Why Taking a Break from Dating Might Be the Best Choice

Photo Credit: Jacob Wackerhausen via iStockPhoto.com

By: Jamila Gomez

In a world where dating apps, social expectations, and romantic pressures dominate, taking a break from dating might seem counterintuitive. However, stepping back from the pursuit of love can actually be one of the healthiest and most beneficial decisions you make for yourself. Whether you’ve experienced a string of unsuccessful relationships, emotional burnout, or simply feel disconnected from yourself, a dating hiatus can provide clarity, healing, and personal growth.

1. Time for Self-Discovery

One of the most significant benefits of taking a break from dating is the opportunity to reconnect with yourself. When actively seeking a partner, it’s easy to lose sight of personal goals, interests, and values. A pause allows you to reflect on what you truly want in a relationship, assess past patterns, and redefine your priorities. This period of self-discovery can lead to stronger self-awareness and confidence, making future relationships healthier and more fulfilling.

2. Emotional Healing and Clarity

Breakups, disappointments, and dating fatigue can take a toll on mental and emotional well-being. Jumping from one relationship to another without properly processing emotions can lead to unresolved baggage. Taking a break gives you the necessary space to heal, understand past experiences, and break unhealthy relationship cycles. It helps you approach love from a place of wholeness rather than from loneliness or desperation.

3. Stronger Sense of Independence

Relying on romantic relationships for happiness or validation can be a slippery slope. Stepping away from dating encourages self-sufficiency and the realization that fulfillment comes from within. Learning to enjoy your own company, pursuing personal passions, and building strong platonic relationships can significantly enhance your quality of life. When you do decide to date again, you’ll enter relationships with a stronger foundation of self-worth and independence.

4. Avoiding Dating Burnout

Constantly navigating the ups and downs of dating can be exhausting. Swiping on apps, going on multiple dates, and facing repeated disappointments can lead to emotional exhaustion and cynicism. Taking a break provides a much-needed mental reset, allowing you to return to dating with fresh enthusiasm, patience, and a healthier mindset.

5. Attracting the Right Partner

When you’re content with yourself and clear on what you want, you naturally attract healthier and more compatible partners. Rushing into relationships out of fear of being alone often leads to settling for less than you deserve. A dating break helps you gain clarity on your standards, ensuring that future relationships are based on mutual compatibility rather than urgency.

Taking a break from dating isn’t about giving up on love—it’s about investing in yourself. When you take time to heal, grow, and rediscover what truly makes you happy, you set the stage for a more fulfilling romantic future. Love will come when the time is right, but until then, prioritize your well-being and enjoy the journey of self-love.

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