The Short List: The Difference Between Being Needed and Being Known

The Short List: The Difference Between Being Needed and Being Known

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By: Jamila Gomez

Make a list of the people in your life. Now sort them into two groups. The people who need you, and the people who know you.

For a lot of us, that first list is long. We are the ones people call when something goes wrong. The one the family leans on. The friend who always answers. The coworker who holds it together. The person everybody trusts with their problems. Being needed can feel a lot like being loved, and for years it is easy to confuse the two.

But the second list, the people who actually know you, tends to be shorter than we expect. Sometimes uncomfortably short. Because being needed and being known are not the same thing, and a person can be surrounded by people who depend on her while quietly being seen by almost no one.

Think about what it takes to know someone. Not their resume. Not their reputation for handling things. The real interior. What they are afraid of. What they wanted before life rearranged the plan. What they are like on the days the armor comes off. Knowing someone requires them to let you in, and it requires you to be paying a kind of attention that most busy relationships never get around to.

The problem is that being the strong one can quietly disqualify you from being known. When you are always the helper, people stop asking how you are, because they assume you have it handled. When you are always steady, people stop checking whether you are okay, because steadiness reads as fine. You become so reliable that you become invisible. Everyone has access to what you can do for them, and almost no one has access to you.

And here is the part that stings. Some of that is the world. But some of it is a choice we made without realizing it. It is safer to be needed. Being needed keeps you in control. You get to be the one giving, which means you never have to be the one exposed. Letting yourself be known means letting someone see the parts that are not handled, not strong, not figured out. That is a much riskier thing to offer.

So you build a wide life and a thin one at the same time. Wide in obligation, thin in intimacy. A full calendar and a quiet ache underneath it that you cannot quite name. You are not lonely exactly. You are around people constantly. But there is a difference between company and being witnessed, and the body knows it even when the schedule hides it.

The way out is not to stop being someone people can count on. It is to notice that you have other lists you are allowed to grow. To find the handful of people, and it only takes a handful, who get to know you instead of just need you. To practice the small, terrifying skill of letting someone see a part of you that is not impressive. To say I am struggling to a person who has only ever seen you cope.

It will feel like weakness at first. It is not. Letting yourself be known is one of the bravest things a person who is used to being needed can do.

You have spent a long time being the one everybody can lean on. You are allowed to also be someone a few people truly see.

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Invisible Success: Why the Quiet Wins Matter Just as Much as the Big Ones

Why the Quiet Wins Matter Just as Much as the Big Ones

Photo Credit: Gorodenkoff via Shutterstock

By: Jamila Gomez

We’re so used to measuring success by the big, flashy things—new jobs, degrees, houses, relationships. The stuff you can post about, the stuff people instantly understand and applaud. Those are the kinds of wins people celebrate for you, the ones that prove you’ve “made it.”

But there’s another kind of success that doesn’t get celebrated the same way. The quiet wins. The ones nobody sees but you. And honestly, those are the ones that change you the most.

Invisible success is saying no when you used to say yes out of guilt. It’s recognizing when your peace is worth more than pleasing everybody else. It’s finally letting your real voice come out instead of swallowing it. It’s being able to walk into a room without shrinking, even when you used to disappear into the background.

It’s walking away from that one-sided friendship. It’s ignoring the text you know will pull you back into something you’ve already outgrown. It’s catching yourself before you spiral, pausing long enough to choose differently. It’s being able to admit, “I’m not okay,” when you’ve spent years convincing people you were fine. It’s starting therapy, or journaling, or even just sitting with yourself when silence used to scare you.

These shifts don’t usually come with a round of applause. There’s no big announcement, no obvious milestone to point to. Sometimes you don’t even recognize them until later—when you realize that the thing that used to tear you down doesn’t have the same grip anymore.

And that’s the tricky part. From the outside, invisible success looks like nothing. People might think you’re stuck, when the truth is you’re transforming in ways they can’t see. That’s why you can’t rely on validation to measure your progress. If you do, you’ll always underestimate yourself.

Because here’s the truth: invisible success is success. It’s the foundation everything else stands on. Before the new job came the confidence to apply. Before the healthy relationship came the boundaries you practiced. Before the opportunity came the self-worth you decided to honor. Without those invisible shifts, the visible ones don’t last.

So don’t dismiss it just because it doesn’t make noise. Don’t downplay it because no one else noticed. Every small, quiet decision is proof that you’re not who you used to be. And that’s worth acknowledging.

The loud wins will come. They always do. But when they do, don’t forget it was the invisible ones that got you ready. Success isn’t just about what people can see. Sometimes the most powerful progress is the kind that happens when no one’s watching.

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The Power of Choice: Why Forcing Change in Others' Behavior is Counterproductive

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By: Jamila Gomez

In relationships, whether personal or professional, encountering individuals with behaviors we consider undesirable or harmful is inevitable. The instinct to help or correct such behavior can be strong, especially when the consequences are visible. However, forcing someone to change rarely yields positive, long-lasting results. Understanding the psychology behind behavior and the importance of autonomy can lead to more constructive and compassionate approaches.

The Nature of Behavior and Change

Human behavior is complex and deeply rooted in a variety of influences, including upbringing, culture, personal experiences, and psychological factors. Attempting to change someone’s behavior without considering these aspects can be both superficial and ineffective. Genuine change is often a gradual process that requires self-reflection, personal motivation, and a supportive environment.

The Importance of Autonomy

Autonomy, or the ability to make one’s own choices, is a fundamental psychological need. When individuals feel their autonomy is threatened, they may resist change, even if the change is beneficial. This resistance is known as "reactance," a motivational reaction to being pressured or coerced, which often results in the reinforcement of the original behavior.

Supporting someone’s autonomy does not mean passively accepting harmful behavior. Instead, it involves creating an environment where the person feels empowered to make their own decisions and changes. This can involve offering support, information, and resources while respecting their right to choose their path.

The Role of Empathy and Understanding

Empathy is crucial in helping others navigate behavioral change. By understanding the reasons behind someone's actions, we can better support them in making positive changes. Listening actively and without judgment can foster a sense of trust and openness, making individuals more receptive to considering alternative behaviors.

Empathy also involves recognizing that everyone is on their own journey and may not be ready or willing to change at the same pace or in the same way we expect. Respecting their timeline and process can lead to more meaningful and enduring changes.

Encouraging Positive Change

While forcing change is ineffective, there are strategies to encourage and support positive behavior:

1. Modeling Desired Behavior: Demonstrating the behavior you wish to see can be a powerful influence. People often learn by observing others, especially if they admire or respect them.

2. Creating a Supportive Environment: Offer support and encouragement without judgment. Provide resources or information that can help the person understand the consequences of their actions and explore alternatives.

3. Focusing on Strengths: Highlighting and encouraging a person’s strengths can build their confidence and motivation to change. Reinforcing positive behavior can lead to a greater willingness to address less desirable actions.

4. Setting Boundaries: While you cannot force change, you can set boundaries to protect yourself from harmful behavior. Clearly communicating your limits can sometimes prompt others to reconsider their actions.

5. Encouraging Self-Reflection: Asking open-ended questions that prompt reflection can help individuals explore the reasons for their behavior and consider the benefits of change.

Forcing someone to change their behavior is rarely effective and often counterproductive. By respecting autonomy, practicing empathy, and encouraging self-motivated change, we create an environment where individuals feel empowered to make meaningful and lasting changes. This approach not only respects the individual’s journey but also fosters healthier, more positive relationships. Ultimately, the power of choice is the most effective catalyst for genuine change.

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