The Guidelines To Consent: We Still Don't Get It
By: Tasha Hough
CONSENTTTTT??!!?? *Souljah VC*
I’ve learned within the last few months that people might have a misconception of what consent really is. With the stories of R Kelly, Bill Cosby, and the countless number of people in Hollywood like Harvey Weinstein abusing their power, I think it's just time to talk about what consent is, and how to fully practice it. Unfortunately, there are obviously too many people who don't understand it.
So, here's a quick little guideline of what it is.
1) If you're buying someone drinks or drugging someone with the intent of sex & to the point that they are incoherent and can no longer use their right state of mind to decide what they want to do, yet you proceed to take sexual action...It's rape. Of course, there are the people who feel like “well she knew what was up when she was drinking, or she knew we were taking drugs” but here’s a thought maybe she just wanted to be drunk, that is not mean she wanted to have sex. If you need to drug someone, or get them black out drunk to have sex, that’s a major problem in itself. Also, who wants to REALLY have sex with someone just lying there? Yuck. Bonus note: STOP BUYING DRINKS FOR WOMEN IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO HARRASS OR FOLLOW THEM.
>> SEE ALSO: How to Date Without Losing Your Mind
2) If you are pressuring someone to have sex with you, making them uncomfortable, saying slick remarks and holding sexual power over their head for some sort of Leverage, it's not QUITE rape but it's definitely wrong as well as annoying. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, all parties are supposed to want it and the second it's uncomfortable, stop.
3) If you are in the actual act of having sex yet he or she tells you to stop for whatever reason STOP. To the people that are going to say well I can't figure out if she’s flirtatiously telling you no or if she really means it, learn what body language is. Someone’s body language, tone and assertiveness are sure signs. It’s not hard to figure out. Stop the madness.
4. During the R. Kelly case there were plenty of people saying that the fifteen through seventeen-year-old girls knew what they were doing when they decided to have sex with him. Let’s be honest, at seventeen your body is horny but as a GROWN MAN it is extremely manipulative to be involved with someone that young. So yes, she may have wanted it especially considering the “perks” someone with the status of R. Kelly but it was wrong of HIM nonetheless.
5.Some people think that rapist only appear on empty streets or in a dark ally. Rape is from anyone having sex with someone who is unwilling or unable to express (children, disable, mentally ill, drunk, drugged etc.) their desire for sex.
6. If you feel like because a woman is half naked, twerking, being seductive means “she wanted sex” so she “knew what was coming”, that’s a problem. Sure, she may have WANTED sex. Who says she wanted it from who raped or sexually assaulted her?
As a community we have to do better. Plenty of people in our own families, as well as our close friends have had some sort of sexual abuse towards them. So, when you make excuses or come up with justifications for why other people are raped, you diminish the story of the people close to you as well. Sex is beautiful, don’t ruin it because you can’t find an ounce of self control.
By the way, WOMEN if you do any of the above cut it out. We don’t talk about women doing these things as much and I have witnessed men get sexually assaulted as well. It is wrong, stop it. This isn’t to bash or put anyone down.
Thanks for coming to my Tash Talks. National Sexual Assault Hotline Call 1-800-656-4673 Available 24 hours everyday!